As usual, the HP Alliance has given me something to think about yet again.
Stress is a ridiculously popular norm in our society. And by norm, I mean it’s such a fad that no one recognizes it as one. Think about it. Every day you probably wake up and think “It’s time already?”, and then you flee out the door to wherever your day begins. From there, endless amounts of stress are ladled onto your plate from unnecessary sources. Maybe you have an intimidating first job interview, maybe you’re worried about the cost of your dream vacation for the holiday seasons, or maybe you’re just focused on getting into the right college, no matter how many states or countries separate you from it.
In fact, you might just be worried about all three things. And to me, that seems pretty ridiculous. Why? If you think about it, you’re putting the stress on yourself. Society does play an enormous role, letting you know just what celebrities are vacationing where and for how much money, force feeding you knowledge of luxuries you’ll surely never have, and scaring you into firmly believing that no matter what you try, you’re going to fail.
So you reach for the stars. You go and pick out all of these different activities, classes, even extracurricular things - and you don’t realize it at the time, but they’re going to take over your life. They’re going to boggle you down between the mattress and the boxspring and squeeze the air out of you. They’ll strip you of your social life and everything you appreciated before you got to be such a busy bee. And good luck trying to squeeze out, because by the time you do you’ll be flat as a pancake.
How can you be both busy and stress-free, you ask? It’s not possible. Which is why I strive for a life of tranquility and peace, and the HPA just made me realize this. I’m not too lazy or too quiet or too boring. I’m just living my life at a slower pace than most of you crazed folk who are on the go 24/7. I’m saying goodbye to my days like a snail, and I’m learning to love every minute of it. All I need is another snail to say hello to every morning when I get out of bed and try not to yell at my alarm clock.
10 December 2009
25 November 2009
Introduction
Okay, so maybe I've never really introduced myself on here. Have I? Who knows. I don't even know who actually reads this; most of the time it's just me talking to myself. But maybe I'll introduce myself to myself and learn more about myself. I'm worried I might have just used the word "myself" enough times to be considered scientifically narcissistic.
My name's Tianna. That's pronounced Tee- Ann (the A sounds like the A in alligator)- Na (like sodium). I would tell you my real last name (grossly Italian), but it's kind of useless since everyone knows me as Tianna Weasley. I've been obsessed with Ron Weasley ever since my second grade teacher, Mrs. Cipullo, read the Harry Potter books to my class of eight-year-olds. Until this date, and I have enough high school evidence for proof, I don't believe that anyone in that class has taken to heart the ideas of love and tolerance that I gained from those books. I had already harbored a passion for reading at that age, but never before had I actually believed something so beautiful could be real, might be real somewhere.
Some might say it's childish, but it's nevertheless true. Harry Potter became my life, and the fact that that might sound like the lamest thing ever to some people has totally escaped my concern - but not notice, which is the great thing about it. I love going out in public and wearing extreme Harry Potter merchandise and showing off my passion for the series and the fandom I've gotten into because of it. I wouldn't trade it for anything, not anything. I wouldn't even give up the crazy stares I get because of it, because those looks of confusion and awe toward the entire community make us an enigma of hope, I think. That there are people out there who care enough about books still to be into them to a hardcore extreme years after the last book has been released, to organize meetings and discuss the books and movies, to plan events and base them off of things that happen in the series, and to actually write music about them that started its own genre? Insane. A miracle, if you ask me.
I've ranted about the Harry Potter/wizard rock fandom before and although in some aspects I kind of feel like repeating myself (since no one reads this anyway, LOL), but I'm going to continue. Two Saturdays ago I played my fourth wizard rock show. (www.myspace.com/ispeaktree) :) It was definitely one of the best fandom experiences I've had. By the way, Blogspot keeps telling me that "fandom" should be corrected as "random." I'd have thought that a site like this would be warmed up to the word, but I guess not. Anyway, people were really supportive at the show, which was with 3 other wizard rock bands that I've looked up to for Merlin knows how long. The gratitude I feel from their appraisal is something I couldn't have gained if I didn't venture out and make my own wizard rock band on my own. I never thought I could do it by myself, but I am. And if it takes being along to succeed right now, well, I'M GONNA DO IT.
I'm in the process of restarting a Pittsburgh chapter of the Harry Potter Alliance. Why? Because I'm sick of feeling that ever since the last chapter we had died, we're nothing. We're definitely not, and I feel like we can rekindle the fire of what we once had and be something even larger and more powerful than before. After all, it's the Order of the PHOENIX for a reason. And like Harry implied, every famous and great wizard started out as simply a student. If someone else can do it, you can do it too - even better.
I wish I felt this inspired every day. Sometimes I get ideas to write at night and then in the morning I feel like a completely different person. I just wish I would get more incentive to rush to my computer and blog when I felt all those crazy emotions that I do when I write. Oh, well. It'll miracle-ize someday. New word.
Also, I'd like to point out how much (and how long) this made me laugh earlier:
Simply wonderful.
NaNoWriMo count: 41,551
My name's Tianna. That's pronounced Tee- Ann (the A sounds like the A in alligator)- Na (like sodium). I would tell you my real last name (grossly Italian), but it's kind of useless since everyone knows me as Tianna Weasley. I've been obsessed with Ron Weasley ever since my second grade teacher, Mrs. Cipullo, read the Harry Potter books to my class of eight-year-olds. Until this date, and I have enough high school evidence for proof, I don't believe that anyone in that class has taken to heart the ideas of love and tolerance that I gained from those books. I had already harbored a passion for reading at that age, but never before had I actually believed something so beautiful could be real, might be real somewhere.
Some might say it's childish, but it's nevertheless true. Harry Potter became my life, and the fact that that might sound like the lamest thing ever to some people has totally escaped my concern - but not notice, which is the great thing about it. I love going out in public and wearing extreme Harry Potter merchandise and showing off my passion for the series and the fandom I've gotten into because of it. I wouldn't trade it for anything, not anything. I wouldn't even give up the crazy stares I get because of it, because those looks of confusion and awe toward the entire community make us an enigma of hope, I think. That there are people out there who care enough about books still to be into them to a hardcore extreme years after the last book has been released, to organize meetings and discuss the books and movies, to plan events and base them off of things that happen in the series, and to actually write music about them that started its own genre? Insane. A miracle, if you ask me.
I've ranted about the Harry Potter/wizard rock fandom before and although in some aspects I kind of feel like repeating myself (since no one reads this anyway, LOL), but I'm going to continue. Two Saturdays ago I played my fourth wizard rock show. (www.myspace.com/ispeaktree) :) It was definitely one of the best fandom experiences I've had. By the way, Blogspot keeps telling me that "fandom" should be corrected as "random." I'd have thought that a site like this would be warmed up to the word, but I guess not. Anyway, people were really supportive at the show, which was with 3 other wizard rock bands that I've looked up to for Merlin knows how long. The gratitude I feel from their appraisal is something I couldn't have gained if I didn't venture out and make my own wizard rock band on my own. I never thought I could do it by myself, but I am. And if it takes being along to succeed right now, well, I'M GONNA DO IT.
I'm in the process of restarting a Pittsburgh chapter of the Harry Potter Alliance. Why? Because I'm sick of feeling that ever since the last chapter we had died, we're nothing. We're definitely not, and I feel like we can rekindle the fire of what we once had and be something even larger and more powerful than before. After all, it's the Order of the PHOENIX for a reason. And like Harry implied, every famous and great wizard started out as simply a student. If someone else can do it, you can do it too - even better.
I wish I felt this inspired every day. Sometimes I get ideas to write at night and then in the morning I feel like a completely different person. I just wish I would get more incentive to rush to my computer and blog when I felt all those crazy emotions that I do when I write. Oh, well. It'll miracle-ize someday. New word.
Also, I'd like to point out how much (and how long) this made me laugh earlier:
Simply wonderful.
NaNoWriMo count: 41,551
20 November 2009
i wish....
...
i was a natural redhead.
i could read a book in a day like i used to.
my best friend could live within 10 minutes of me.
i could make music that really moves people.
i could write something that inspires people.
my cats wouldn't fight so much.
my teeth were perfect.
i would never gain slower metabolism.
my mom would live forever.
my grandma would have never died.
i could remember more of my grandfathers.
my sister wasn't the way she is.
i wouldn't snap out on my best friends when they don't deserve it.
my best friends would understand me better.
my stubbornness wouldn't come off so badly.
i could find a good pleated hogwarts skirt.
i could explain things to people without being rude.
people could explain things to me without being rude.
but all these wishes, i know,
can't come true unless i try to make them to.
someday.
i was a natural redhead.
i could read a book in a day like i used to.
my best friend could live within 10 minutes of me.
i could make music that really moves people.
i could write something that inspires people.
my cats wouldn't fight so much.
my teeth were perfect.
i would never gain slower metabolism.
my mom would live forever.
my grandma would have never died.
i could remember more of my grandfathers.
my sister wasn't the way she is.
i wouldn't snap out on my best friends when they don't deserve it.
my best friends would understand me better.
my stubbornness wouldn't come off so badly.
i could find a good pleated hogwarts skirt.
i could explain things to people without being rude.
people could explain things to me without being rude.
but all these wishes, i know,
can't come true unless i try to make them to.
someday.
03 November 2009
anything's possible.
Lately, I've been arguing with almost all of my friends. Naturally, this makes me feel really shitty. But what I'm feeling that I wasn't expecting is stubbornness. I know I'm stubborn and I have been for as long as I can remember. But I just don't understand why all of a sudden I seem to be changing and everyone's staying in place. It kind of scares me sometimes because it seems like I'll lose all my friends, especially the long distance ones. But how can I when I'm being so practical? I'm not a horrible person, am I?
Day 3, NaNoWriMo: 6,767.
Day 3, NaNoWriMo: 6,767.
27 October 2009
"freaking out" vs "personality"
Okay, seriously: since when has having a colorful personality become constituted as "freaking out"? You can't be "chill" about everything. We humans tend to form opinions about our surroundings and the relationships we have with people, and the people themselves. I guess if that's considered freaking out, so be it. I've gratefully learned to grab hold of my emotions, soak them in, and then release them. Letting your feelings run wild is the best path to release, and that includes speaking your mind at any given time. I've come so far, climbed up to the very top rung of this ladder, and now I'm being told I'm freaking out just for sharing my opinion. Can you gather what people are feeling just by what they say? No, because humans often speak on a whim. It's one of our many downsides. What really matters is the way they say it, and I wish more people could see it this way. Maybe they do and I'm living in fear. Maybe I've been prejudiced and blinded this entire time.
I'm beginning to think that sometimes when we believe people are becoming brainwashed, we're in the process of, and just as vulnerable to, being brainwashed by our own selves. I can't let myself get too wrapped up in the idea of someone else being brainwashed, or else the idea of their brains fogging over will become the only thought in my mind, washing out all other ideas that otherwise would have naturally occurred to me. I'm not exactly sure if the way I phrase it is very articulate, but it makes sense in my brain. That's another thing I'm trying to work on, saying just what I mean. And to stop stuttering, gosh. I wonder if there's anyone who just never stutters.
But really. I think it's the epitome of immaturity when you simply disregard someone's opinions and strong attitude toward something and just refer to it as "freaking out." Is this implying that the accuser never freaks out? Because in my situation, that's definitely not true. If you apparently understand that someone's freaking out who you're trying to deal something out with, aren't you going to try to reason with them and not let them get carried away? Unless you want them to go away, in which case you should just tell the goddamn truth.
I'm also starting to believe some people are born without a heart.
I'm beginning to think that sometimes when we believe people are becoming brainwashed, we're in the process of, and just as vulnerable to, being brainwashed by our own selves. I can't let myself get too wrapped up in the idea of someone else being brainwashed, or else the idea of their brains fogging over will become the only thought in my mind, washing out all other ideas that otherwise would have naturally occurred to me. I'm not exactly sure if the way I phrase it is very articulate, but it makes sense in my brain. That's another thing I'm trying to work on, saying just what I mean. And to stop stuttering, gosh. I wonder if there's anyone who just never stutters.
But really. I think it's the epitome of immaturity when you simply disregard someone's opinions and strong attitude toward something and just refer to it as "freaking out." Is this implying that the accuser never freaks out? Because in my situation, that's definitely not true. If you apparently understand that someone's freaking out who you're trying to deal something out with, aren't you going to try to reason with them and not let them get carried away? Unless you want them to go away, in which case you should just tell the goddamn truth.
I'm also starting to believe some people are born without a heart.
12 October 2009
well, there goes a layer of my skin.
What. The. Hell.
Okay so it's Monday, no school because it's Columbus Day, and last night I went to bed at around four in the morning. Not really that unusual except for the fact that I've been going to bed at like 11pm now. I'm trying to become a faster reader and all that jazz. Even though speed isn't really that important, but my old creative writing teacher is begging me to read The Hunger Games and I really want to as well, so I'm trying to hurry up. I still have some library books out too that I already renewed a long time ago so.. that can't be good.
Anyway, I woke up at eleven a.m., rolled out of bed, and was told by my mom that there was a calico kitten on the front porch mewing its face off. She said my older calico cat had been pawing at the door which is ironic because the older one hates our tabby kitten. :( anyway I ran downstairs and it was gone, and my mom had left for a doctor's appointment, so I put food and water on the porch and basically stared out the glass front door for like an hour and ate vegan pizza for breakfast. Eventually I gave up and went back upstairs to practice guitar for my show next month when I heard mewing and sort of like mousy noises coming from outside, so I ran down and saw this cute, fuzzy, Halloween-colored kitten walking over the porch swing. Then I opened the door and it...ran away. Yeah. All these dogs have been barking nonstop. It's probably scared senseless. :(
So back to the guitar thing, yeah. I said I was going to try to make a CD by November 14th, when I play a show. But... uh, I don't see that really happening. I was so excited for it until now. Basically, Audacity plus the recording stuff I have is so shitty that I can't control the volume even if I wanted to. And I want to. It's either too loud or too quiet or too scratchy and it sucks. And people tell me that other wizard rockers' first CD's weren't too great either, but like..they probably had help or experience or a calm temper. I don't have any of those things. It's just frustrating. I played the same song for almost four hours straight trying to get it right and it still turned out crappy. And my left hand's finger pads have skin peeling off and it hurts to type and my fingernails are split and it's just gross. And someone wanted me to send her a Christmas wizard rock song for a charity compilation...and I have no idea how I'm going to record that by October 26th.
It reduced me to tears and hair-pulling and I'm still at a loss of ideas.
Okay so it's Monday, no school because it's Columbus Day, and last night I went to bed at around four in the morning. Not really that unusual except for the fact that I've been going to bed at like 11pm now. I'm trying to become a faster reader and all that jazz. Even though speed isn't really that important, but my old creative writing teacher is begging me to read The Hunger Games and I really want to as well, so I'm trying to hurry up. I still have some library books out too that I already renewed a long time ago so.. that can't be good.
Anyway, I woke up at eleven a.m., rolled out of bed, and was told by my mom that there was a calico kitten on the front porch mewing its face off. She said my older calico cat had been pawing at the door which is ironic because the older one hates our tabby kitten. :( anyway I ran downstairs and it was gone, and my mom had left for a doctor's appointment, so I put food and water on the porch and basically stared out the glass front door for like an hour and ate vegan pizza for breakfast. Eventually I gave up and went back upstairs to practice guitar for my show next month when I heard mewing and sort of like mousy noises coming from outside, so I ran down and saw this cute, fuzzy, Halloween-colored kitten walking over the porch swing. Then I opened the door and it...ran away. Yeah. All these dogs have been barking nonstop. It's probably scared senseless. :(
So back to the guitar thing, yeah. I said I was going to try to make a CD by November 14th, when I play a show. But... uh, I don't see that really happening. I was so excited for it until now. Basically, Audacity plus the recording stuff I have is so shitty that I can't control the volume even if I wanted to. And I want to. It's either too loud or too quiet or too scratchy and it sucks. And people tell me that other wizard rockers' first CD's weren't too great either, but like..they probably had help or experience or a calm temper. I don't have any of those things. It's just frustrating. I played the same song for almost four hours straight trying to get it right and it still turned out crappy. And my left hand's finger pads have skin peeling off and it hurts to type and my fingernails are split and it's just gross. And someone wanted me to send her a Christmas wizard rock song for a charity compilation...and I have no idea how I'm going to record that by October 26th.
It reduced me to tears and hair-pulling and I'm still at a loss of ideas.
11 October 2009
epiph
"You know, I just had en epiphany," she said philosophically. "Everyone you're scared of isn't really worth it."
"But if you believe that, then there's no competition in life," he frowned.
"So you think competition spawns from fear?"
"No, I just think fear leads a powerful debate," he shrugged.
"But if you believe that, then there's no competition in life," he frowned.
"So you think competition spawns from fear?"
"No, I just think fear leads a powerful debate," he shrugged.
06 October 2009
9:29
when i say i love you, i'm not speaking on a whim.
i'm preaching from my honest heart.
i'm trying to help you, not be brave.
i'm just telling it like it is.
accept it or leave it.
when i say i mean it,
i'm not expecting long walks on the beach
or for you to hold my hand and look deep in my eyes
or for you to worship me like the sun shines out my ass
or even to kiss me in the rain
or take me out to a movie and kiss me til the end credits
no, i'm looking for
honesty, trust, respect
humor, a serious face,
trustworthiness, reality
but with a fantasy so
b e l i e v a b l e
i start to fall into the
cracks
and think
that maybe
one of these days
i'll open my eyes and
you'll be standing right next to me.
i'm preaching from my honest heart.
i'm trying to help you, not be brave.
i'm just telling it like it is.
accept it or leave it.
when i say i mean it,
i'm not expecting long walks on the beach
or for you to hold my hand and look deep in my eyes
or for you to worship me like the sun shines out my ass
or even to kiss me in the rain
or take me out to a movie and kiss me til the end credits
no, i'm looking for
honesty, trust, respect
humor, a serious face,
trustworthiness, reality
but with a fantasy so
b e l i e v a b l e
i start to fall into the
cracks
and think
that maybe
one of these days
i'll open my eyes and
you'll be standing right next to me.
02 October 2009
escape
You think you need escape from this place, you believe you hate it. You don't know where I've been, though. I've been so far gone and back that now I'm grateful I don't live in better places - but better has various, flexible meanings. If you are looking for freedom, good luck finding it outside your own mind. If you are hunting down a beautiful landscape replete with exotic scents and sights, I wish you luck in finding an outcome that's not lonely. Call me wrong, shut me down, but you haven't watched the spiders crawl up the wall like I have. Follow them, tap, tap, patter, splash, and put yourself in their shoes. Don't focus on where you want to be, but where you are now. All you've got to do is make that place worth living in, and voila. You've escaped.
30 September 2009
fantasies
"Why do you talk to everyone so half-ass?" He shook his head impatiently.
"I... I guess I..." she opened and closed her mouth several fish-like times, quickly trying to formulate an answer in her brain before she snuck into her English class.
"Yeah?"
"I just live and put all my energy into my own world."
He sighed, emanating an indiscernible array of emotions in one breath.
"Well some day, do you think you'll ever float on back down to mine?"
She watched as he walked away, tucking his books under his arm and leaving her late for English.
"I... I guess I..." she opened and closed her mouth several fish-like times, quickly trying to formulate an answer in her brain before she snuck into her English class.
"Yeah?"
"I just live and put all my energy into my own world."
He sighed, emanating an indiscernible array of emotions in one breath.
"Well some day, do you think you'll ever float on back down to mine?"
She watched as he walked away, tucking his books under his arm and leaving her late for English.
28 September 2009
weak
my greatest weakness is that ever since i stopped talking to my old best friend, i've had the uncanny ability to ignore someone, even those close to me, for long, long periods of time.
24 September 2009
on a whim
"If you have to constantly remind yourself that you're lucky... are you still lucky?"
"It depends on who's doing the reminding: your heart or your brain."
"It depends on who's doing the reminding: your heart or your brain."
11 September 2009
wait, what?
i can feel the temptation,
longing shades of red, orange, yellow, and mauve
twisting and turning to the shape of your brain.
one thing you haven't realized
until the colors hit you in the face
and the cool turns to noon,
noon becomes after,
after turns to evening,
evening hatches night
and by the time it's all over,
what attraction have you resisted?
when i walk home, my feet accustomed to the concrete rise and fall
pitter patter, this way, that way, paved or not
i know my way around, though things have changed
i see them as they once and always were
whether the subject is uplifting is no one's business
except for the wild birds calling come home, come home
but this is where i grew up, mr. bird
and who are you to think i'll stray?
for once i did, never again, so ship me away, away
as far as you'd like, but to this day i'm not running.
jealousy plays no part in this act, but watch and you'll learn
the many ways and aspects of this society will unfold
just open your eyes, differently each day
maybe pry them monday,
drift open tuesday,
rub them wednesday,
stretch them thursday,
and after all this,
maybe you should keep them closed on friday.
clueless, past, doubled, sideways
i saw you standing on the steps regardless
with a swift mind i told myself don't look away, don't look, not now
but it's friday, i kept them closed, didn't i?
i closed my eyes and also my mind to shut you out
but you're right down the street, aren't you?
my fingers hate you.
tension, tension, unlike a knife
slice it once and what do you get?
two halves of the same price, both undesirable as well as nice
but
wait
you're
forgetting
to
keep
them
open
longing shades of red, orange, yellow, and mauve
twisting and turning to the shape of your brain.
one thing you haven't realized
until the colors hit you in the face
and the cool turns to noon,
noon becomes after,
after turns to evening,
evening hatches night
and by the time it's all over,
what attraction have you resisted?
when i walk home, my feet accustomed to the concrete rise and fall
pitter patter, this way, that way, paved or not
i know my way around, though things have changed
i see them as they once and always were
whether the subject is uplifting is no one's business
except for the wild birds calling come home, come home
but this is where i grew up, mr. bird
and who are you to think i'll stray?
for once i did, never again, so ship me away, away
as far as you'd like, but to this day i'm not running.
jealousy plays no part in this act, but watch and you'll learn
the many ways and aspects of this society will unfold
just open your eyes, differently each day
maybe pry them monday,
drift open tuesday,
rub them wednesday,
stretch them thursday,
and after all this,
maybe you should keep them closed on friday.
clueless, past, doubled, sideways
i saw you standing on the steps regardless
with a swift mind i told myself don't look away, don't look, not now
but it's friday, i kept them closed, didn't i?
i closed my eyes and also my mind to shut you out
but you're right down the street, aren't you?
my fingers hate you.
tension, tension, unlike a knife
slice it once and what do you get?
two halves of the same price, both undesirable as well as nice
but
wait
you're
forgetting
to
keep
them
open
inspiration
Inspiration
More than
An arm’s breadth away
But still you reach,
Reach,
Reach,
And when it hits, you run
Run
Run home
Until the insight shoots
From your fingertips
Collides with your toes
Jolts back to your heart
And into your brain
You’re home now
Sand slipping through your fingers
You can’t recall
A single shot of
Inspiration
More than
An arm’s breadth away
But still you reach,
Reach,
Reach,
And when it hits, you run
Run
Run home
Until the insight shoots
From your fingertips
Collides with your toes
Jolts back to your heart
And into your brain
You’re home now
Sand slipping through your fingers
You can’t recall
A single shot of
Inspiration
22 August 2009
magic & memories
8/18/09
Sometimes I think you ought to revisit memories – the good and the bad, but mostly the good. However, I think people sometimes get these two mixed up. Good memories can initiate bad or miserable feelings, while unhappy memories may create joy in the fact that whatever happened is long over. At least that’s how it is for me.
I think you need to make the best of the memories you’ve got. That definitely doesn’t mean sugar coating anything; nothing tastes worse. It’s not trying to fit puzzle pieces together that never fit in the first place either. There’s also nothing more useful than learning to block out that lazy, apathetic feeling you can get from occasional memories. The Venus fly trap of last summer pulls me in sometimes and threatens to hold me hostage. Sometimes I’m taken, sometimes I even willingly give in. Whether this is unintelligent or not will never upset the consequences. I’ve learned the more you kick and struggle your limbs, the tighter the knot between then and now will inflict more markings in your skin so forgetting the pain or loss you experienced once your euphoria was over is inevitable. It’s uncannily funny how everything that reminds you of that state of euphoria is hugely depressing. So what do we want? Euphoria or normalcy? Infinite dullness or occasional bliss? Living under a veil or living an epiphany? Is it noticeable to be changed by one week of your life, noticeable enough to live off of until your next dosage of fever medicine?
My life is tainted by constant day dreams of memories. Is there anything so tangible it can be savored for what it is? This is a tempting idea, but I remain torn between this and the proposal of strapping my feelings on a leash. All I know is that memories will personally refuse to be cast aside or become a host to dust bunnies. There are memories, magical ones at that, that have spoken to me, placed a healing hand on my heart, and with a soothing voice told me never to regret taking for granted all those days I counted down, persuading me to move on and try new things. ‘It’s alright, Sparrow,’ it spoke to me, ‘don’t shake and shudder your wings now, you’ve got too much to lose.’ But maybe that’s just it.
Maybe it’s all magic playing tricks on us again. It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s just that magic has a fault, and it accepts no apologies. Whether to look up to this or not is still unclear to me, however, the whiny voice of my past tells me to sulk and revolve my world around a question mark.
I can’t tell if I’m done with those days or not. There’s only one thing jumping out of the bushes at me now though, and that’s the never ending excitement that courses through my blood at the thought of my next opportunity to take a stab at a well-earned round of memory-making. For now I’m stuck in a dry land of confusion and masks, where every sorrow becomes a joke and every memory turns to dust.
Sometimes I think you ought to revisit memories – the good and the bad, but mostly the good. However, I think people sometimes get these two mixed up. Good memories can initiate bad or miserable feelings, while unhappy memories may create joy in the fact that whatever happened is long over. At least that’s how it is for me.
I think you need to make the best of the memories you’ve got. That definitely doesn’t mean sugar coating anything; nothing tastes worse. It’s not trying to fit puzzle pieces together that never fit in the first place either. There’s also nothing more useful than learning to block out that lazy, apathetic feeling you can get from occasional memories. The Venus fly trap of last summer pulls me in sometimes and threatens to hold me hostage. Sometimes I’m taken, sometimes I even willingly give in. Whether this is unintelligent or not will never upset the consequences. I’ve learned the more you kick and struggle your limbs, the tighter the knot between then and now will inflict more markings in your skin so forgetting the pain or loss you experienced once your euphoria was over is inevitable. It’s uncannily funny how everything that reminds you of that state of euphoria is hugely depressing. So what do we want? Euphoria or normalcy? Infinite dullness or occasional bliss? Living under a veil or living an epiphany? Is it noticeable to be changed by one week of your life, noticeable enough to live off of until your next dosage of fever medicine?
My life is tainted by constant day dreams of memories. Is there anything so tangible it can be savored for what it is? This is a tempting idea, but I remain torn between this and the proposal of strapping my feelings on a leash. All I know is that memories will personally refuse to be cast aside or become a host to dust bunnies. There are memories, magical ones at that, that have spoken to me, placed a healing hand on my heart, and with a soothing voice told me never to regret taking for granted all those days I counted down, persuading me to move on and try new things. ‘It’s alright, Sparrow,’ it spoke to me, ‘don’t shake and shudder your wings now, you’ve got too much to lose.’ But maybe that’s just it.
Maybe it’s all magic playing tricks on us again. It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s just that magic has a fault, and it accepts no apologies. Whether to look up to this or not is still unclear to me, however, the whiny voice of my past tells me to sulk and revolve my world around a question mark.
I can’t tell if I’m done with those days or not. There’s only one thing jumping out of the bushes at me now though, and that’s the never ending excitement that courses through my blood at the thought of my next opportunity to take a stab at a well-earned round of memory-making. For now I’m stuck in a dry land of confusion and masks, where every sorrow becomes a joke and every memory turns to dust.
15 August 2009
blah
i haven't posted anything in forever, i know. sorry i don't capitalize right or punctuate either. not like anyone reads this, but yanno. just self conscious. this is a little hard to type because my cat cheshire is laying on the counter under my arms, lawl.
i'm back from vacation and california and azkatraz and everything. honestly, if someone had told me beforehand how dramatic it would have been, i wouldn't have gone. seriously. like.. i just don't understand why anything that happened happened. it's so stupid. i want something new. as far as i'm concerned i'm not part of the fandom i witnessed at azkatraz. sorry. just sayin
i've realized that i spend too much time being pissed off and unsatisfied. i don't think that's necessarily good for someone my age. or anyone's age really. i really think i'll have to try changing this before i go to college, which i don't even want to think about in the slightest. i like blogspot more than facebook notes because hardly anyone reads this and that's weirdly refreshing. yayyy my cat just got up and stretched so i have arm room. bah. i'm just very restless with this place and everywhere i've been and my friends and anything and everything. it makes me so sad all the time. my mom insists i need a therapist. i just need my best friend 7 hours away.
i'm back from vacation and california and azkatraz and everything. honestly, if someone had told me beforehand how dramatic it would have been, i wouldn't have gone. seriously. like.. i just don't understand why anything that happened happened. it's so stupid. i want something new. as far as i'm concerned i'm not part of the fandom i witnessed at azkatraz. sorry. just sayin
i've realized that i spend too much time being pissed off and unsatisfied. i don't think that's necessarily good for someone my age. or anyone's age really. i really think i'll have to try changing this before i go to college, which i don't even want to think about in the slightest. i like blogspot more than facebook notes because hardly anyone reads this and that's weirdly refreshing. yayyy my cat just got up and stretched so i have arm room. bah. i'm just very restless with this place and everywhere i've been and my friends and anything and everything. it makes me so sad all the time. my mom insists i need a therapist. i just need my best friend 7 hours away.
24 June 2009
i'm happy for you.
what is being happy for someone?
do you show it in a letter, a card, an online message, an email, a phone call, or do you need to be face to face to get your well wishing through? and how many times do you need to reinforce it to seem genuine? i could write a song, a poem, or a 3,000 word message. but it would never be enough. nothing, nothing, could put my feelings out there like my mind formulates them. every time i try it's not good enough, not for the person intended, but it just doesn't seem good enough to do my thoughts justice.
i thought the moral of the story was to go with the flow, to let the river take your soggy shoes wherever nature decided. but i simply can't be forced to try to act happy for someone, and i'm not apologizing.
you can continue to throw up your bouquets of flowers and scream your hallelujahs but i know deep down you're wishing you had the strength to be honest.
really.
do you show it in a letter, a card, an online message, an email, a phone call, or do you need to be face to face to get your well wishing through? and how many times do you need to reinforce it to seem genuine? i could write a song, a poem, or a 3,000 word message. but it would never be enough. nothing, nothing, could put my feelings out there like my mind formulates them. every time i try it's not good enough, not for the person intended, but it just doesn't seem good enough to do my thoughts justice.
i thought the moral of the story was to go with the flow, to let the river take your soggy shoes wherever nature decided. but i simply can't be forced to try to act happy for someone, and i'm not apologizing.
you can continue to throw up your bouquets of flowers and scream your hallelujahs but i know deep down you're wishing you had the strength to be honest.
really.
07 June 2009
New
Each time I hang out with my friends, I feel like a different person. Maybe it's the fact that I don't see all of my friends together very often (the long distance ones or the nearby/Pittsburgh ones) and so I'll reminisce upon the last time we shared a day together or the last time we had as much fun. True friends are a wondrous thing, really, because no matter how lame you are, no matter how silly you may act, they always see inside of you, and can relate your actions to your past experiences. They can understand your emotions and soak you in, relating the closest thing they have to your troubles. I feel like every time I see my friends I've grown from what they've taught me last. I admire the fact that we can have fun doing anything, that we could simply sit there and talk about the summer or a birthday or a random adventure we took once upon a time when we were all together and there was no drama.
Clearly the more drama there is, the harder it is for a large group of friends to stick together. But what also comes into play is the fact that the ones who are remaining and move on past the drama and gossip and hurt have more strength and are unified in one loving circle, because after all they've shared with each other from their lives, they have one solid thing in common. And while some people might despair over that one common bond being a negative thing, it's no big whoop. What binds you will remain.
Clearly the more drama there is, the harder it is for a large group of friends to stick together. But what also comes into play is the fact that the ones who are remaining and move on past the drama and gossip and hurt have more strength and are unified in one loving circle, because after all they've shared with each other from their lives, they have one solid thing in common. And while some people might despair over that one common bond being a negative thing, it's no big whoop. What binds you will remain.
04 June 2009
Last Day of Schoooool.
So today, approximately two hours and thirty-six minutes ago, I finished my last day of tenth grade. This year has been surprisingly easy. I'm not sure whether that's due to the fact that I transferred to a new school (which is a middle college, so you wouldn't expect it to be easier, but it was), or whether I got smarter, or whether the classes were 55 minutes long so I pretty much didn't have any homework at all. Or something else. I definitely do know that my social life and... is it called an emotional life? struggled more than my academic...path.
Not only was it difficult to make close friends at Boyce, but I seemed to be the only one with this problem. Even though there were small bouts of drama here and there, everyone pretty much got along and most certainly everyone knew everyone. Even to the last day of school I got asked "Wait, what's your name?" Yeah, really. The school was so much different than what I had been expecting, and when I told people that I was possibly moving to State College it seemed the teachers were the people who cared most. Maybe it's my fault, though; maybe I entered the school year with too stubborn opinions and too little hopes.
I've compiled a list of things I've done or learned this school year, not necessarily in school or anything, just from last August to today. Enjoy.
1) Contrary to my prior belief (and what I thought was fact), I've learned that you can indeed present a powerpoint on homosexual issues in the media and have people NOT laugh at you.
2) I've learned that I can indeed compile my own set lists.
3) With a set list I had the courage to play a wizard rock show with my own songs, which felt better than anything I've experienced this year.
4) I've come to realize that the reason I love the Weasleys so much is that my family sucks and I yearn to have one like theirs, which, no, is NOT perfect.
5) I've realized that clearly I've become more frigid and closed to people, which led me to confusion over whether I'm just more clever in certain situations than some people, or whether I'm just not experiencing everything.
6) Sometime in March I wrote a four page essay until four in the morning. And WASN'T late for school the next day.
7) I've noticed that my reputation of "that Harry Potter girl" is not going anywhere.
8) I realize that #7 is nothing to complain about.
9) I learned to hold my head high especially when a) I'm being horribly embarrassed, b) I do indeed know what I'm talking about, and c) I'm being stared at.
10) I've learned to walk with dignity and laugh my loudest, no matter who's looking or what ridiculous face I make when I laugh.
11) I have gone over a year without talking to someone who I used to belief I couldn't live a day without. Two people, actually.
12) I've maintained very close relationships with people who I haven't seen for 6-11 months.
13) I reread Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince so I was up to date on the little details before the movie comes out this summer. (Not that the movies pay attention to the little details or anything.)
14) Became obsessed with the songs Butterfly Kisses for Minerva, The Fall, and I May Lose Everything.
15) I not only filled nearly every visible spot of turqoise paint on my walls, but I also began to write some of my favorite quotes on them with sharpie (Zach!) and then proceeded to move onto covering the ceiling (Ivy!).
16) I've realized that I really, really, really, really, really REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD DO YOUTUBE WITH ME AND NOT BE LAZY. Sorry, I felt like that had to be in all caps to get my point across.
17) Sometimes my all caps disguise my fear, my insecurity, or my serious take on things. Sometimes I don't even try to make it that way.
18) I've gone to wizard rock shows and had an amazing time even though there were a bunch of Muggles standing around and people staring at my ridiculous dance moves. Back in 2007 you would've never ever seen me with so much confidence.
19) I've begun to go religiously by Tianna Weasley.
20) I realized I liked someone a whole, whole lot and did what I knew best: ignored it.
21) I started wearing clothes that, you know, fit me.
22) I accepted that I'm crazy sometimes and also accepted that if you don't accept it, too fuggin shay.
23) I ended up with all A's and one C, which is a replica of my grades on my last 2 final report cards of the last 2 years of my education.
24) Began to yearn to get back into musical theater.
25) Wrote a song for three of my best friends.
26) Organized a show at my local library.
27) Agreed to play a show in a Hot Topic.
28) Sat in a car alone with my brother driving for 5 hours total.
29) Registered for Azkatraz.
30) Made about a hundred 5witches2wizards videos. How many did you make, guys?
31) Realized I don't hold grudges, but some bitterness just doesn't go away.
32) Got a 100% in gym class.
33) Survived two horrible college classes on campus.
34) Got a tripod, a flickr, and a born again inspiration for photography.
35) Rode a train by myself to the Bryn Mawr yule ball and back in under 24 hours.
36) Missed something more than I thought I was ever capable of.
37) Booked a plane ride for only myself. I'm still terrified at the thought.
38) Missed the 2009 ball drop because I was watching Hairspray and talking to Zach on the phone.
39) Got 40 pages into a Stephen King book and..stopped.
40) Saw my favorite muggle band in concert.
41) Went to prom without a date.
42) Got to my 3 year vegetarian anniversary mark.
43) Had someone get to know me because of Sweeney Todd.
44) Sustained injuries tripping over dollhouses, up the stairs, and hitting my head off the open bathroom mirror all in under 10 minutes.
45) Had my best friend come visit for one concert, one night, skipped school the day of and the day after, and then got bestfriendsick because I could smell her on my sheets.
46) Got strep throat twice.
47) Went 8 months without dying my hair.
Yep. that was my 10th grade year. Sooo exciting.
Not only was it difficult to make close friends at Boyce, but I seemed to be the only one with this problem. Even though there were small bouts of drama here and there, everyone pretty much got along and most certainly everyone knew everyone. Even to the last day of school I got asked "Wait, what's your name?" Yeah, really. The school was so much different than what I had been expecting, and when I told people that I was possibly moving to State College it seemed the teachers were the people who cared most. Maybe it's my fault, though; maybe I entered the school year with too stubborn opinions and too little hopes.
I've compiled a list of things I've done or learned this school year, not necessarily in school or anything, just from last August to today. Enjoy.
1) Contrary to my prior belief (and what I thought was fact), I've learned that you can indeed present a powerpoint on homosexual issues in the media and have people NOT laugh at you.
2) I've learned that I can indeed compile my own set lists.
3) With a set list I had the courage to play a wizard rock show with my own songs, which felt better than anything I've experienced this year.
4) I've come to realize that the reason I love the Weasleys so much is that my family sucks and I yearn to have one like theirs, which, no, is NOT perfect.
5) I've realized that clearly I've become more frigid and closed to people, which led me to confusion over whether I'm just more clever in certain situations than some people, or whether I'm just not experiencing everything.
6) Sometime in March I wrote a four page essay until four in the morning. And WASN'T late for school the next day.
7) I've noticed that my reputation of "that Harry Potter girl" is not going anywhere.
8) I realize that #7 is nothing to complain about.
9) I learned to hold my head high especially when a) I'm being horribly embarrassed, b) I do indeed know what I'm talking about, and c) I'm being stared at.
10) I've learned to walk with dignity and laugh my loudest, no matter who's looking or what ridiculous face I make when I laugh.
11) I have gone over a year without talking to someone who I used to belief I couldn't live a day without. Two people, actually.
12) I've maintained very close relationships with people who I haven't seen for 6-11 months.
13) I reread Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince so I was up to date on the little details before the movie comes out this summer. (Not that the movies pay attention to the little details or anything.)
14) Became obsessed with the songs Butterfly Kisses for Minerva, The Fall, and I May Lose Everything.
15) I not only filled nearly every visible spot of turqoise paint on my walls, but I also began to write some of my favorite quotes on them with sharpie (Zach!) and then proceeded to move onto covering the ceiling (Ivy!).
16) I've realized that I really, really, really, really, really REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD DO YOUTUBE WITH ME AND NOT BE LAZY. Sorry, I felt like that had to be in all caps to get my point across.
17) Sometimes my all caps disguise my fear, my insecurity, or my serious take on things. Sometimes I don't even try to make it that way.
18) I've gone to wizard rock shows and had an amazing time even though there were a bunch of Muggles standing around and people staring at my ridiculous dance moves. Back in 2007 you would've never ever seen me with so much confidence.
19) I've begun to go religiously by Tianna Weasley.
20) I realized I liked someone a whole, whole lot and did what I knew best: ignored it.
21) I started wearing clothes that, you know, fit me.
22) I accepted that I'm crazy sometimes and also accepted that if you don't accept it, too fuggin shay.
23) I ended up with all A's and one C, which is a replica of my grades on my last 2 final report cards of the last 2 years of my education.
24) Began to yearn to get back into musical theater.
25) Wrote a song for three of my best friends.
26) Organized a show at my local library.
27) Agreed to play a show in a Hot Topic.
28) Sat in a car alone with my brother driving for 5 hours total.
29) Registered for Azkatraz.
30) Made about a hundred 5witches2wizards videos. How many did you make, guys?
31) Realized I don't hold grudges, but some bitterness just doesn't go away.
32) Got a 100% in gym class.
33) Survived two horrible college classes on campus.
34) Got a tripod, a flickr, and a born again inspiration for photography.
35) Rode a train by myself to the Bryn Mawr yule ball and back in under 24 hours.
36) Missed something more than I thought I was ever capable of.
37) Booked a plane ride for only myself. I'm still terrified at the thought.
38) Missed the 2009 ball drop because I was watching Hairspray and talking to Zach on the phone.
39) Got 40 pages into a Stephen King book and..stopped.
40) Saw my favorite muggle band in concert.
41) Went to prom without a date.
42) Got to my 3 year vegetarian anniversary mark.
43) Had someone get to know me because of Sweeney Todd.
44) Sustained injuries tripping over dollhouses, up the stairs, and hitting my head off the open bathroom mirror all in under 10 minutes.
45) Had my best friend come visit for one concert, one night, skipped school the day of and the day after, and then got bestfriendsick because I could smell her on my sheets.
46) Got strep throat twice.
47) Went 8 months without dying my hair.
Yep. that was my 10th grade year. Sooo exciting.
29 April 2009
Hey guys, it's...
...Wednesday!
Yeah, that's right, you heard me. It's Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. Why? I'll give you some reasons.
Number one: I get out of school early every Wednesday at 12:15.
Number two: I will always be 5witches2wizards's resident Wednesday.
Number three: Because I used to rush home every day and make videos for 5w2w, it's given me a positive spirit I continue to bring home with me every Wednesday because it's the anniversary of the days I got to make hilarious lengthy videos for my best friends.
Number four: It's the middle of the week. Half of it's gone, what is there to lose?
Number five: Nobody can spell Wednesday.
So yeah. Wednesdays are pretty amazing. It's 1:19 pm and none of my friends are home from school. But then again, even if they were they wouldn't be talking to me because... they suck. Well no, they're just really busy and experts on life, as opposed to being a novice at life, like me.
I actually did get to be on Pwncast with Cody and Julia, and I got to talk about the Weasleys and I Speak Tree! It was so much fun. Well, besides the parts where my internet kept going off and on but I battled that Muggle technology like the stubborn Weasley I am. Some links:
http://www.myspace.com/ispeaktree
http://pwncastofwrock.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/5witches2wizards
http://www.myspace.com/cccabbages
Anyway...
I'm sitting here in my blue snake skin (obviously faux) flip flops and listening to the Mudbloods and just getting really pumped about my show on June 19th with The Chinese Chomping Cabbages. :D It's going to be freaking amazing. Yesterday, which happened to be wizard rock awareness day, my creative writing teacher finally said yes to coming to our show! :) I'm so excited. I thought she wouldn't be able to come, but I'm so glad she can, because all year she's told me stories about how much her 9 year old son loves Harry Potter and dressed as him for Halloween and everything. Oh man. I can't wait for school to be over.
Yeah, that's right, you heard me. It's Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. Why? I'll give you some reasons.
Number one: I get out of school early every Wednesday at 12:15.
Number two: I will always be 5witches2wizards's resident Wednesday.
Number three: Because I used to rush home every day and make videos for 5w2w, it's given me a positive spirit I continue to bring home with me every Wednesday because it's the anniversary of the days I got to make hilarious lengthy videos for my best friends.
Number four: It's the middle of the week. Half of it's gone, what is there to lose?
Number five: Nobody can spell Wednesday.
So yeah. Wednesdays are pretty amazing. It's 1:19 pm and none of my friends are home from school. But then again, even if they were they wouldn't be talking to me because... they suck. Well no, they're just really busy and experts on life, as opposed to being a novice at life, like me.
I actually did get to be on Pwncast with Cody and Julia, and I got to talk about the Weasleys and I Speak Tree! It was so much fun. Well, besides the parts where my internet kept going off and on but I battled that Muggle technology like the stubborn Weasley I am. Some links:
http://www.myspace.com/ispeaktree
http://pwncastofwrock.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/5witches2wizards
http://www.myspace.com/cccabbages
Anyway...
I'm sitting here in my blue snake skin (obviously faux) flip flops and listening to the Mudbloods and just getting really pumped about my show on June 19th with The Chinese Chomping Cabbages. :D It's going to be freaking amazing. Yesterday, which happened to be wizard rock awareness day, my creative writing teacher finally said yes to coming to our show! :) I'm so excited. I thought she wouldn't be able to come, but I'm so glad she can, because all year she's told me stories about how much her 9 year old son loves Harry Potter and dressed as him for Halloween and everything. Oh man. I can't wait for school to be over.
28 April 2009
HOT, HOT, HOT
I can NOT sleep. It is too damn hot for a normal human being to sleep in this condition. Honestly, like… my mother insists I “lay still until I feel cool.” Yeah right, I’d rather go haul out the old bug infested Toys R Us tent and camp outside. If I’m considered a normal human being, well, then I’m incapable of sleeping in this weather.
People are all like, oh it’s so much cooler tonight because it rained! NO. No, people, no. My room is a SAUNA. You don’t understand. There could be a consecutive row of floor-to-ceiling windows with the screens flung wide open and my room would still be the hottest part of the house.
This is not fair. I did nothing to deserve this.
It’s not even MAY yet and it’s in the 80’s? Really? Where the hell did spring go? We’re starting to have a winter, summer, winter, summer pattern with no interruptions of spring or fall. This is depressing. Maybe it can become some new version of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I mean seriously, if it’s like this until September I don’t know how I’ll live. I love summer weather, but really? This just makes me sad. Too soon, mother nature, too god damn soon.
Now I shall go “lay still until I feel cool.” Wish me luck.
People are all like, oh it’s so much cooler tonight because it rained! NO. No, people, no. My room is a SAUNA. You don’t understand. There could be a consecutive row of floor-to-ceiling windows with the screens flung wide open and my room would still be the hottest part of the house.
This is not fair. I did nothing to deserve this.
It’s not even MAY yet and it’s in the 80’s? Really? Where the hell did spring go? We’re starting to have a winter, summer, winter, summer pattern with no interruptions of spring or fall. This is depressing. Maybe it can become some new version of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I mean seriously, if it’s like this until September I don’t know how I’ll live. I love summer weather, but really? This just makes me sad. Too soon, mother nature, too god damn soon.
Now I shall go “lay still until I feel cool.” Wish me luck.
26 April 2009
Sunday
For some reason, Sunday is my least favorite day of the week. On some calendars it's the last day of the week, but in America it's day number one. I don't know if that makes me a pessimist to dread the new beginning of a fresh week, or an optimist because I'd be looking forward to the end of the week, meaning I'd be excited for a new beginning? I just confused myself really badly. I don't even know.
I just got really depressed because one of my friends asked me if I'd be on their podcast and talk about my band and the Weasleys tomorrow, but I can't because I have my psychology class. Blahh. I'm not even in college, don't ask why I'm taking these difficult courses. It's ridiculous. And I have a quiz where I have no idea what I'm supposed to know, so I tried reading pretty much the whole book at once, and I'm just going to forget a bunch of things.
I wish I had more incentive to blog more often.
I just got really depressed because one of my friends asked me if I'd be on their podcast and talk about my band and the Weasleys tomorrow, but I can't because I have my psychology class. Blahh. I'm not even in college, don't ask why I'm taking these difficult courses. It's ridiculous. And I have a quiz where I have no idea what I'm supposed to know, so I tried reading pretty much the whole book at once, and I'm just going to forget a bunch of things.
I wish I had more incentive to blog more often.
13 April 2009
April 13th
This weekend, I studied ridiculously hard for my second psychology exam of the semester.
This weekend, I visited my grandma and realized that people in rehab centers might as well be dead, they're all so lifeless and miserable.
This weekend, I understood that when you're in the country you'll do anything for entertainment. Yes, even strenuous tasks like pulling the weeds.
Yesterday, I laughed at a joke my brother made. That's a rarity.
Yesterday, I listened to old people bowling all day.
Yesterday, my mom gave me a movie for Easter because it has my best friend's name in it.
Today, I got an A on that second psychology exam of the semester and nearly broke out right there in the classroom in the electric slide.
Today, I came to the conclusion I want to write a quiet song.
Today, I'm going to bed before midnight.
This weekend, I visited my grandma and realized that people in rehab centers might as well be dead, they're all so lifeless and miserable.
This weekend, I understood that when you're in the country you'll do anything for entertainment. Yes, even strenuous tasks like pulling the weeds.
Yesterday, I laughed at a joke my brother made. That's a rarity.
Yesterday, I listened to old people bowling all day.
Yesterday, my mom gave me a movie for Easter because it has my best friend's name in it.
Today, I got an A on that second psychology exam of the semester and nearly broke out right there in the classroom in the electric slide.
Today, I came to the conclusion I want to write a quiet song.
Today, I'm going to bed before midnight.
12 April 2009
lillies
I've been neglecting blogspot already. *fails*
You are my clock. In fact, you have been for quite a while now. You skip around sometimes, go back an hour and then forward when I'm least expecting it, but what can I say? It'll grow on me like weeds in between the glowing lillies. I always find a way to count on you somehow, even if I don't try. Sometimes I can even hear you from two rooms over, and when I go to sleep, you're still there, ticking along, a constant reminder that no matter how much effort you put into slowing down time, it will never happen. There will always be tomorrow, always. Even the times I've fallen asleep praying that I wouldn't wake up, your incessant ticking awoke my spirits once more, however begrudgingly. You are the reminder I beg for, telling me to keep going, although that's not what you'd do. Your hypocrisy gets to me sometimes and I'll roll my eyes at you, but then realize you were right in the first place. Even if you didn't know what you were talking about. Funny how that works.
You are my inner nature. You are what it's worth, my worth. You are the reason I keep going, keep on writing, keep on living and looking forward to each new day. I suppose you really do need to be there. You are my world, my static. My velcro. If we were a pair of shoes, we'd be tied together at the laces. Maybe we couldn't walk, sure that's an inconvenience. But that's us. Maybe this will die out, but before it does I'd like to tell you how much it means to me. I could fly across seas and it wouldn't be enough for you. I'm not a person to you, I'm an idea, and that's what kills me. Your understanding does not compensate for your lack of knowing.
You are my sense of chaos. You are the earthquake inside of me, the trainwreck, its cause and effect pattern too extraneous for my own good. My wishes will never fulfill reality, will never extricate what I long to say. In my dreams I take your hand, trace into your palm what I'm trying to say. We get each other like nothing else, not even the purest bluejays could read our minds like we do. Speaking is overrated, but it's the only form of communication I'm left with, there's no other way I can face what's out there.
You are the brightest star in the sky, always. I know I'm only one out of a million that's crazy for your attention, but with each coming moon I know it will wane, and I'm not too much looking forward to the waxing.
I'm really really sorry. This deserves more than a message in a bottle floating off to nowhere, but maybe something will intercept and you'll catch it. A butterfly struggles in the gaps between your fingers, screaming for freedom. You are whole, and there is no room for my appreciation. The butterfly understands, just as I do.
But whatever we end up, you'll always be my clock. The second hand that never tires, you'll always subconsciously push me to create new beginnings. There is no way to shut you up. The thumping of your standard ticking, the beating of my heart in tune, it's all too much to be a mere coincidence. I think I'm going crazy.
You are my clock. In fact, you have been for quite a while now. You skip around sometimes, go back an hour and then forward when I'm least expecting it, but what can I say? It'll grow on me like weeds in between the glowing lillies. I always find a way to count on you somehow, even if I don't try. Sometimes I can even hear you from two rooms over, and when I go to sleep, you're still there, ticking along, a constant reminder that no matter how much effort you put into slowing down time, it will never happen. There will always be tomorrow, always. Even the times I've fallen asleep praying that I wouldn't wake up, your incessant ticking awoke my spirits once more, however begrudgingly. You are the reminder I beg for, telling me to keep going, although that's not what you'd do. Your hypocrisy gets to me sometimes and I'll roll my eyes at you, but then realize you were right in the first place. Even if you didn't know what you were talking about. Funny how that works.
You are my inner nature. You are what it's worth, my worth. You are the reason I keep going, keep on writing, keep on living and looking forward to each new day. I suppose you really do need to be there. You are my world, my static. My velcro. If we were a pair of shoes, we'd be tied together at the laces. Maybe we couldn't walk, sure that's an inconvenience. But that's us. Maybe this will die out, but before it does I'd like to tell you how much it means to me. I could fly across seas and it wouldn't be enough for you. I'm not a person to you, I'm an idea, and that's what kills me. Your understanding does not compensate for your lack of knowing.
You are my sense of chaos. You are the earthquake inside of me, the trainwreck, its cause and effect pattern too extraneous for my own good. My wishes will never fulfill reality, will never extricate what I long to say. In my dreams I take your hand, trace into your palm what I'm trying to say. We get each other like nothing else, not even the purest bluejays could read our minds like we do. Speaking is overrated, but it's the only form of communication I'm left with, there's no other way I can face what's out there.
You are the brightest star in the sky, always. I know I'm only one out of a million that's crazy for your attention, but with each coming moon I know it will wane, and I'm not too much looking forward to the waxing.
I'm really really sorry. This deserves more than a message in a bottle floating off to nowhere, but maybe something will intercept and you'll catch it. A butterfly struggles in the gaps between your fingers, screaming for freedom. You are whole, and there is no room for my appreciation. The butterfly understands, just as I do.
But whatever we end up, you'll always be my clock. The second hand that never tires, you'll always subconsciously push me to create new beginnings. There is no way to shut you up. The thumping of your standard ticking, the beating of my heart in tune, it's all too much to be a mere coincidence. I think I'm going crazy.
07 April 2009
breathe
The creaking hinges of the front door are stained with rust despite their recent appliance. It's almost an omen, as if no matter how new something is, it's still tainted. And it really is, this being the new door with all those translucent prisms and glass contortions. This is the same door you clumsily slammed your hand inside in attempt to quicken your pace for her. You are her greatest sense of pride and her worst disappointment. Although she spends endless nights slaving away at what she thinks is the right answer, you still expect her to return to you, to give you what you crave for. But your trust is fading, and soon you will take to relying on the closest to her you can get. But when that proves a holographic image, a wispy, pathetic excuse, a shoulder too bony to lean on, what remains?
Your silence will slowly deteriorate her body, leaving behind nothing of the euphoria you swept clean from mere irritability, and yet you understand that this is happening. Frustration finds its way to you like it always does, climbing up your skin and nestling into your scalp. You lash out, pulling your hair out in great clumps, before realizing it won't do a thing. You stand up, finished with responsibility, finished with trying to make people happy, finished with anything that means using willpower. Done. You make your way toward the new door, what was supposed to be a fresh start but instead turned out a mental disaster.
"I'm not part of you anymore," you tell her as you slam the door behind you, being careful not to slam your hand in the latch again to escape not only embarrassment, but a sense of dependence. Maybe you should have lowered your voice. Maybe you should have known what you WERE a part of before making such a bold statement.
But you know one thing. If you can make it through this lonely year, you can accomplish anything. Just breathe.
Your silence will slowly deteriorate her body, leaving behind nothing of the euphoria you swept clean from mere irritability, and yet you understand that this is happening. Frustration finds its way to you like it always does, climbing up your skin and nestling into your scalp. You lash out, pulling your hair out in great clumps, before realizing it won't do a thing. You stand up, finished with responsibility, finished with trying to make people happy, finished with anything that means using willpower. Done. You make your way toward the new door, what was supposed to be a fresh start but instead turned out a mental disaster.
"I'm not part of you anymore," you tell her as you slam the door behind you, being careful not to slam your hand in the latch again to escape not only embarrassment, but a sense of dependence. Maybe you should have lowered your voice. Maybe you should have known what you WERE a part of before making such a bold statement.
But you know one thing. If you can make it through this lonely year, you can accomplish anything. Just breathe.
06 April 2009
05 April 2009
inspiration
I need to write more. Like, it's decided. I used to write short storise and I even had a huge 200-something page novel that I just deleted one day because I got sick of the fact that it was progressing into nothing and had no real plot. Blah. People say I need to write when something comes to me, but nothing ever comes to me. Or else things come to me and I don't realize they came and should be put into writing. Or if that's even how it really works. I don't know anymore. I'm confused. My writer's block turned into an attempt at fan fiction, which failed. And that's where I am now. Nowhere. I need to start again, I hope it's possible.
04 April 2009
home alone
I kind of feel bad. I should be seeing my best friend in State College but I'm not. And it's pretty much all my fault. gahh. So I'm home alone again... wait, how many times has this happened? Total count of 300, right? I'm so sick of it. Most people are like "z0mgg gurl I'm so jealous, you'z home all da time by yaself, you must be partyin it up ova thurr!" like..no. When it's only my mom and me living here and she's not here 3/4 of the time, it gets really boring. There's only so much I can do. It's not like I even have people to invite over anyway. All the friends I had here decided they were too important for me, too old, too rich, too far away even though it's only 20 minutes distance, or we just slowly grew apart and there was nothing we could do about it.
But whatever. I told myself I wouldn't complain in these blogs too much, so I'll stop. I was just looking at my top 25 on iTunes for the first time and all 25 of them are only 5 bands - The Mudbloods, Ministry of Magic, The Moaning Myrtles, Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls, and the Butterbeer Experience. Well there you go, my favorite wizard rock bands right there! Except Gred and Forge, because I still haven't uploaded his CD onto my computer yet. I'm so lazy. Like, it takes me forever to get around to doing something once I say I'm going to do it. I have no idea where my music stuff with I Speak Tree is going either. I kind of really need help recording so I'm going to have to look into that. Yesterday someone asked me to sing in one of their songs so I'm really excited about that. But like really, all I record with is my digital camera. And then I convert the file into an audio mp3. Lame.
I really hope I can go to Wrockstock this year but I feel like some people don't want me there. I don't know. I'm going to need all the money I can for Azkatraz this summer anyway. I'm so stoked for summer, by the way. All of my July plans are done and it's just June and August I have to think about. My birthday is August 7th and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'll probably have a party with my mom or something. I mean, nothing too terrible.
I should probably go take a walk or film a video or go on a photography spree. Being home alone is more boring than you'd think. If I didn't have any music to play, it'd be dead silent.
But whatever. I told myself I wouldn't complain in these blogs too much, so I'll stop. I was just looking at my top 25 on iTunes for the first time and all 25 of them are only 5 bands - The Mudbloods, Ministry of Magic, The Moaning Myrtles, Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls, and the Butterbeer Experience. Well there you go, my favorite wizard rock bands right there! Except Gred and Forge, because I still haven't uploaded his CD onto my computer yet. I'm so lazy. Like, it takes me forever to get around to doing something once I say I'm going to do it. I have no idea where my music stuff with I Speak Tree is going either. I kind of really need help recording so I'm going to have to look into that. Yesterday someone asked me to sing in one of their songs so I'm really excited about that. But like really, all I record with is my digital camera. And then I convert the file into an audio mp3. Lame.
I really hope I can go to Wrockstock this year but I feel like some people don't want me there. I don't know. I'm going to need all the money I can for Azkatraz this summer anyway. I'm so stoked for summer, by the way. All of my July plans are done and it's just June and August I have to think about. My birthday is August 7th and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'll probably have a party with my mom or something. I mean, nothing too terrible.
I should probably go take a walk or film a video or go on a photography spree. Being home alone is more boring than you'd think. If I didn't have any music to play, it'd be dead silent.
03 April 2009
Rain = Sleep
Is there any kind of mathematical equation for this? Seriously. Rain makes sleep. Ever since I was told last night that it was gonna be wet outside today, I've been tired. I don't know why though. It's not like the rain is heavy or anything. But once you get home and the specific outfit you set for that day is soaking wet, and your hair is ten times as frizzy as you had intended it to be in the morning, you're just... tired. It's hard to explain. I mean, some people love rain. I can't speak for everyone. But what's there to do when it's raining, really? You could always dance in the rain, but there's your grandma telling you you'll get pneumonia. Well, if your grandma's not in a home.
Okay, this is going all over the place. See, this is why I don't blog. I can't even write a paragraph without going off tangent.
I've actually never blogged before. I mean, I've had a livejournal when I was like...10. But I hardly ever used it. And I just complained about everything. I'll try not to do that as much here, if I even consistently update this. Which hopefully I can push and remind myself to do. I wish I could've started this two days ago, then I could officially be part of BEDA (Blog Every Day in April). Instead of vlogging. Because I can't vlog. Cameras make me feel awkward. Maybe I could get a late start and do a BEDETF2DOA. Blog every day except for the first two days of April! ..Why am I so lame?
I never really blogged on myspace either. I have in the past, but I deleted most of them from embarrassment. And they weren't really "blogs" like you'd write in a diary or something. I'd only write them when I was angry, so they'd amount to nothing but meaningless rants that no one ever read. Not that an abundance of people will be flocking to read this. But you know what I mean.
And then there was xanga, bahahha. Everyone had an xanga. Everyone. And then it was myspace, then facebook. But not many people post notes or anything on facebook, and if they do, it wasn't intended for facebook, they just copied and pasted it there so the lazy people who didn't want to click links to their blogs could read whatever it was.
So here I am again, blogging. I hope I can keep this up. Watch me like, completely forget and then this will be the only post I ever do on this site. I've never even heard of this site before. Wait, maybe I have. I was just bored and the rain is making me so tired that I have to drink horrid amounts of liquids so I keep having to pee so I don't sleep. And since I don't drink coffee...
My mind is so unorganized. I'm not sure it amounts to good blogging. But I try. Yay for new beginnings!
Okay, this is going all over the place. See, this is why I don't blog. I can't even write a paragraph without going off tangent.
I've actually never blogged before. I mean, I've had a livejournal when I was like...10. But I hardly ever used it. And I just complained about everything. I'll try not to do that as much here, if I even consistently update this. Which hopefully I can push and remind myself to do. I wish I could've started this two days ago, then I could officially be part of BEDA (Blog Every Day in April). Instead of vlogging. Because I can't vlog. Cameras make me feel awkward. Maybe I could get a late start and do a BEDETF2DOA. Blog every day except for the first two days of April! ..Why am I so lame?
I never really blogged on myspace either. I have in the past, but I deleted most of them from embarrassment. And they weren't really "blogs" like you'd write in a diary or something. I'd only write them when I was angry, so they'd amount to nothing but meaningless rants that no one ever read. Not that an abundance of people will be flocking to read this. But you know what I mean.
And then there was xanga, bahahha. Everyone had an xanga. Everyone. And then it was myspace, then facebook. But not many people post notes or anything on facebook, and if they do, it wasn't intended for facebook, they just copied and pasted it there so the lazy people who didn't want to click links to their blogs could read whatever it was.
So here I am again, blogging. I hope I can keep this up. Watch me like, completely forget and then this will be the only post I ever do on this site. I've never even heard of this site before. Wait, maybe I have. I was just bored and the rain is making me so tired that I have to drink horrid amounts of liquids so I keep having to pee so I don't sleep. And since I don't drink coffee...
My mind is so unorganized. I'm not sure it amounts to good blogging. But I try. Yay for new beginnings!
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