if you don't want to get preached to, don't read this. i'm not really trying to sound preachy, but just to explain a vegan's standpoint. i don't really know how to do so without preaching. i'm just explaining my views, though.
when you say "i would like for animals not to be tortured, too, but we can't control that" i laugh. that is so far from being the only reason why people are vegan or vegetarian. it's also an ethical reason. for some people, it has to do with health issues and whether they like the taste or not. but a lot of the time, it's ethical.
people don't want to place things that were once living into their mouths, and under no circumstances would they consider a fried piece of flesh "food." it's just disgusting and repulsive to them. and when it comes to veganism, the same thing applies. we just don't think it's morally correct to consume things that rightfully belong to an animal. the cow produces milk for its calves, the chicken lays eggs for the same reason we pop babies out of our vaginas.
the fact that free range eggs and milk exist is comforting to some vegans, but on others like me it has no effect. it's still a part of an animal, and whether there was an inkling of torture during the process or not, we just don't believe it should be put in our mouths. it's 2010, and there are other ways to get protein, iron, calcium, and b12 than to have to force livestock to eat dogs and wheat and grain in order to get fed back to us. there are plenty of children and families in poverty that grain could do good for, and yet we're forcing animals to eat it because we're laboring under the delusion that it is necessary.
it's not.
23 December 2010
11 December 2010
Holidays? Whateva.
I would say that the majority of my friends and acquaintances are holiday people. In other words, they are somewhat obsessed with decoration, family time, and unnecessarily cheesy holiday cards. Not once in my life have I been able to understand this. I've never fully accepted Christianity or baskets full of calories, so I find no joy in Easter. I have always been single on Valentine's Day, so it doesn't affect me at all. I don't eat very much candy and children scare me, so Halloween is just another night in. I dislike champagne and loud noise, and staying up till midnight is almost a nightly occurrence, so New Year's isn't that big of a blast. I'm a vegan, so "Turkey Day" isn't all that appealing to me. Also, the winter weather is horrid, and how anyone could celebrate by maxing out their credit cards and calling it love is beyond me.
For example, I'm always up to helping out my mother whether she calls for it or not, but laboring over plastic lights to decorate the house just exhausts my mental stability. I can't fathom how the ideas of cutting down pine trees and shoving them in the corner of your living room or hunting down a flock of turkeys for the dinner table is culturally acceptable. Posting thankful blogs, tweets, and facebook statuses seems so incredibly shallow to me. Why not do this any time it feels appropriate? It's sure fine and dandy that there's a holiday dedicated to stuffing your face with a wild animal, but why is this accompanied with false well-wishings and compliments? If someone's been there for you your whole life, you better damn well thank them all the time. It's so much more logical to thank someone for saving your life, cooking you dinner, or loving you unconditionally than just because it's the end of November and oh gosh, what if you never get to thank them again?
Don't even get me started on Christmas. If I wanted to have a [real or fake] tree in the area of my house that I utilize the least, I would, and there's nothing wrong with not having the motivation to put one there. Just because I feel that there are worthier things to spend money on than gifts for people who probably won't appreciate them in the long run anyway doesn't mean I'm shallow or lack the ability to have fun. If that was true, I wouldn't invite my friends over around the holidays. I wouldn't want to see anyone, and I'm definitely not a total Grinch.
My lack of enthusiasm for the holidays only worries me a bit when I think about my potential children's happiness. What if I just sit around every holiday like I do now and don't give a crap about decorations or pretty things around the house or holiday light shows or family time? Assuming I have a legitimate family in the future, unlike now, of course. One of the most magical things about being a child is looking forward to Santa Clause, school breaks for the holidays, and Valentines in the classroom - at least for me it was. I enjoyed festivities at one point even if I think they're ridiculous now. Should I feign excitement about the holidays when I'm older, is that parents do when they lose heart?
My mother, for one, always acts as wholeheartedly excited about the holidays as ever. Every December she's quick to let me know how her parents would never buy her anything if she downright claimed that Santa Clause didn't exist. This is all fine and well, but why does an abundance of electricity need to accompany this belief - along with annual arguments about whose turn it is to scrub the walls and the banister so that the fake Christmas wreaths don't collect even more dust than they already have? It really doesn't make sense. Neither does the overlarge, stuffed santa in the living room or the holiday bows tacked to the walls or the thirty dollar penguin that waves at whoever walks in the room - which is a 50/50 chance considering only two people occupy my house.
Really, though. Who do we decorate for? We don't invite the neighbors over and they've stopped barging in. My friends couldn't care less if I deck the halls or dress up like an elf, not at all. And splurging on holiday gifts is as ridiculous as paying $160 to get into a college. It's not necessary and won't ever be. I always leave the table early on Thanksgiving, and I've always forgotten that Christmas stockings even existed. There's no more excitement, and while I can attribute some of my lack of fun to my grandma's death, most of it is just my general mopiness.
There's my cold-hearted rant. Bye now.
For example, I'm always up to helping out my mother whether she calls for it or not, but laboring over plastic lights to decorate the house just exhausts my mental stability. I can't fathom how the ideas of cutting down pine trees and shoving them in the corner of your living room or hunting down a flock of turkeys for the dinner table is culturally acceptable. Posting thankful blogs, tweets, and facebook statuses seems so incredibly shallow to me. Why not do this any time it feels appropriate? It's sure fine and dandy that there's a holiday dedicated to stuffing your face with a wild animal, but why is this accompanied with false well-wishings and compliments? If someone's been there for you your whole life, you better damn well thank them all the time. It's so much more logical to thank someone for saving your life, cooking you dinner, or loving you unconditionally than just because it's the end of November and oh gosh, what if you never get to thank them again?
Don't even get me started on Christmas. If I wanted to have a [real or fake] tree in the area of my house that I utilize the least, I would, and there's nothing wrong with not having the motivation to put one there. Just because I feel that there are worthier things to spend money on than gifts for people who probably won't appreciate them in the long run anyway doesn't mean I'm shallow or lack the ability to have fun. If that was true, I wouldn't invite my friends over around the holidays. I wouldn't want to see anyone, and I'm definitely not a total Grinch.
My lack of enthusiasm for the holidays only worries me a bit when I think about my potential children's happiness. What if I just sit around every holiday like I do now and don't give a crap about decorations or pretty things around the house or holiday light shows or family time? Assuming I have a legitimate family in the future, unlike now, of course. One of the most magical things about being a child is looking forward to Santa Clause, school breaks for the holidays, and Valentines in the classroom - at least for me it was. I enjoyed festivities at one point even if I think they're ridiculous now. Should I feign excitement about the holidays when I'm older, is that parents do when they lose heart?
My mother, for one, always acts as wholeheartedly excited about the holidays as ever. Every December she's quick to let me know how her parents would never buy her anything if she downright claimed that Santa Clause didn't exist. This is all fine and well, but why does an abundance of electricity need to accompany this belief - along with annual arguments about whose turn it is to scrub the walls and the banister so that the fake Christmas wreaths don't collect even more dust than they already have? It really doesn't make sense. Neither does the overlarge, stuffed santa in the living room or the holiday bows tacked to the walls or the thirty dollar penguin that waves at whoever walks in the room - which is a 50/50 chance considering only two people occupy my house.
Really, though. Who do we decorate for? We don't invite the neighbors over and they've stopped barging in. My friends couldn't care less if I deck the halls or dress up like an elf, not at all. And splurging on holiday gifts is as ridiculous as paying $160 to get into a college. It's not necessary and won't ever be. I always leave the table early on Thanksgiving, and I've always forgotten that Christmas stockings even existed. There's no more excitement, and while I can attribute some of my lack of fun to my grandma's death, most of it is just my general mopiness.
There's my cold-hearted rant. Bye now.
06 December 2010
why
don't my friends talk to me when i'm sad?
why is it that they only will listen when i'm happy?
why is it that i could be bawling my eyes out for hours, but if someone calls i immediately must regain mental metal?
why is this the norm, when i should be spilling my feelings?
why am i one of those people who know that release of emotions of good, yet no one will let her do it?
why, you dumb bitches, whYYY?
why is it that they only will listen when i'm happy?
why is it that i could be bawling my eyes out for hours, but if someone calls i immediately must regain mental metal?
why is this the norm, when i should be spilling my feelings?
why am i one of those people who know that release of emotions of good, yet no one will let her do it?
why, you dumb bitches, whYYY?
28 November 2010
jealousy
i have a little problem with the green monster. i relentlessly try to ignore him, but he's always there when i least expect it. i don't know what i've done to deserve his company so often, but every corner i turn, every dilemma i solve, there he is waiting for me at the finish line. it's almost as if i can't have friends without having jealousy too. i'm the ron weasley of all of my friendships with everyone - before long i begin to imagine a pedestal underneath their feet, their arm outstretched with a gold medal clutched in their hand.
not only is this a daily reminder to myself that i'm not as witty or skillful or humorous as i think i am, but it's something that takes a toll on all aspects of my life. social, mental, and physical. i'll stay in bed for days hoping that the longing will go away, but when i stand up dizzy there's just another reminder of why i didn't want to end up there in the first place.
all i can ask for is that this envy does not drive me to insane measures. i don't want anything more than a normal life.
not only is this a daily reminder to myself that i'm not as witty or skillful or humorous as i think i am, but it's something that takes a toll on all aspects of my life. social, mental, and physical. i'll stay in bed for days hoping that the longing will go away, but when i stand up dizzy there's just another reminder of why i didn't want to end up there in the first place.
all i can ask for is that this envy does not drive me to insane measures. i don't want anything more than a normal life.
27 November 2010
go with the flow
some people just never know when they can expect better, you know?
like, they'll break up with someone because they either feel like they need to or their friends talked them into it or maybe they were broken up with. but they float in space, convincing themselves that they can't find better after months and months of looking. and i think this is so sad because it's so understandable.
you never, ever know what's coming next or what to expect. yet your mind places these images of what should be in the back of your brain and when it isn't real, all is chaos. is it so much to ask that our minds would just be put to rest and let spontaneity roll off the wind and divide itself where it may?
i just think there is too much thought placed upon where, when, how, and why things happen. if we just went with the flow, there would be no worries like these. they're just that - worrisome, pointless, silly. pushing them far away would do humankind in general a lot of good
i think this is why people tell me i should get high with them.
like, they'll break up with someone because they either feel like they need to or their friends talked them into it or maybe they were broken up with. but they float in space, convincing themselves that they can't find better after months and months of looking. and i think this is so sad because it's so understandable.
you never, ever know what's coming next or what to expect. yet your mind places these images of what should be in the back of your brain and when it isn't real, all is chaos. is it so much to ask that our minds would just be put to rest and let spontaneity roll off the wind and divide itself where it may?
i just think there is too much thought placed upon where, when, how, and why things happen. if we just went with the flow, there would be no worries like these. they're just that - worrisome, pointless, silly. pushing them far away would do humankind in general a lot of good
i think this is why people tell me i should get high with them.
21 November 2010
Look before you leap.
I found myself with the urge to blog, and so here I am, Blogger. I thought it'd be pretty silly to ignore the avalanche of words in my head, so here they come, spilling out one by one as if they have an out box.
For reasons that I'm not going to go into detail about on here, not like anyone really reads it anyway, I started once again pondering my decision on attending LeakyCon 2011. Yeah, it's just a Harry freaking Potter convention. It's really not that big of a deal. You go or you don't. You spend the money or you save up for college. You act out your favorite character on stage or you sit at home and mope.
But over the last three years, my emotions have gotten mixed into the blur that were the three conventions I've attended. This has happened so much so that when asked what I thought of each individual conference, I usually don't even know where to begin with a reply. Therefore, I'll tell exaggerated stories of what happened based on what I know I felt like. These things could have easily been changed, and every year pre-convention it seems they'll be smoothed out. But somehow, some way, I end up letting petty things get to me.
The fact that I feel guilty a lot of the time is probably a very prevalent factor in my less than satisfactory enjoyment of Harry Potter conventions. You would think, after nine years of loving a book series, that that's what the main focus would be at a location where hundreds and thousands of fans have congregated. Close friends and relatives have always congratulated me on my admirable utilization of the phrase "look before you leap."
When aforementioned information was found out, I began to roll my eyes and then giggle to myself at the stupidity of some of the people I used to find some of my closest friends - and in some cases, more than that. I just can't fathom in my mind how I didn't turn over the consequences in my mind before I acted on impulse. It used to be such an important, valued step for me to take before I made any decision in my life. Maybe that's just what happens when you start dating, who knows.
My mind flitted from the conductor's emotional trainwreck that was Infinitus to the passenger's emotional trainwreck that was Azkatraz. Before I attended these cons, I made lists of things I needed to both accomplish and avoid at them. Did I end up completing the things on my list? Did I even give the lists a second thought once I'd arrived? Hell no I didn't, and it's because I'm always too bothered by what my friends think, or making sure my friends are happy.
I wouldn't argue that the latter is a genuinely good thing, but when it gets in the way of my own well-being, it becomes a problem. And when hundreds of dollars are being forked over only for this to happen, it's an even bigger problem. So really, although there might be people who actually want me to go to LeakyCon, I'm crazy for going. But if I have any wits about me, I'll be single this time.
Right... already failing at that one.
For reasons that I'm not going to go into detail about on here, not like anyone really reads it anyway, I started once again pondering my decision on attending LeakyCon 2011. Yeah, it's just a Harry freaking Potter convention. It's really not that big of a deal. You go or you don't. You spend the money or you save up for college. You act out your favorite character on stage or you sit at home and mope.
But over the last three years, my emotions have gotten mixed into the blur that were the three conventions I've attended. This has happened so much so that when asked what I thought of each individual conference, I usually don't even know where to begin with a reply. Therefore, I'll tell exaggerated stories of what happened based on what I know I felt like. These things could have easily been changed, and every year pre-convention it seems they'll be smoothed out. But somehow, some way, I end up letting petty things get to me.
The fact that I feel guilty a lot of the time is probably a very prevalent factor in my less than satisfactory enjoyment of Harry Potter conventions. You would think, after nine years of loving a book series, that that's what the main focus would be at a location where hundreds and thousands of fans have congregated. Close friends and relatives have always congratulated me on my admirable utilization of the phrase "look before you leap."
When aforementioned information was found out, I began to roll my eyes and then giggle to myself at the stupidity of some of the people I used to find some of my closest friends - and in some cases, more than that. I just can't fathom in my mind how I didn't turn over the consequences in my mind before I acted on impulse. It used to be such an important, valued step for me to take before I made any decision in my life. Maybe that's just what happens when you start dating, who knows.
My mind flitted from the conductor's emotional trainwreck that was Infinitus to the passenger's emotional trainwreck that was Azkatraz. Before I attended these cons, I made lists of things I needed to both accomplish and avoid at them. Did I end up completing the things on my list? Did I even give the lists a second thought once I'd arrived? Hell no I didn't, and it's because I'm always too bothered by what my friends think, or making sure my friends are happy.
I wouldn't argue that the latter is a genuinely good thing, but when it gets in the way of my own well-being, it becomes a problem. And when hundreds of dollars are being forked over only for this to happen, it's an even bigger problem. So really, although there might be people who actually want me to go to LeakyCon, I'm crazy for going. But if I have any wits about me, I'll be single this time.
Right... already failing at that one.
14 November 2010
i wrote this 2 mays ago but i still like it.
it's about a friend who gets more attention than me.
strands of grass arch in your direction
bristle at your presence
come to say hello
precipitation pitter patters on your frozen windows
but that’s just plan b
the heavens above no know god
unless they are admiring you
kneeling in the pews
singing their hymns
musty church fumes getting to their head
nature envies you
forest green with spite
though the oak will never admit to this
their blooms got the memo
you were coming to visit
even the insects buzz after you furiously
my brow knits together and I look down
upon my own brightly patterned socks
even the wasps shake your hand
that’s alright with me
a tabby cat sniffs after your shoes
its dusty odor will copy your every move
her whiskers flex and form to fit your glass of fragility
and the frosted sweetness of your mother opening your eyes
in her dreams
diamonds yield serpentine warnings
whispering to you, take my exit
once you reach the fork in the road
yet I could drive right by
tumbleweed would even dodge my tires
your ears save miraculous ideas
when they begin the fall to the sewer
sounds I cannot approach give way to you
the hands I know so well,
crushing the hibiscus plant on my windowsill
in a heartbeat
strands of grass arch in your direction
bristle at your presence
come to say hello
precipitation pitter patters on your frozen windows
but that’s just plan b
the heavens above no know god
unless they are admiring you
kneeling in the pews
singing their hymns
musty church fumes getting to their head
nature envies you
forest green with spite
though the oak will never admit to this
their blooms got the memo
you were coming to visit
even the insects buzz after you furiously
my brow knits together and I look down
upon my own brightly patterned socks
even the wasps shake your hand
that’s alright with me
a tabby cat sniffs after your shoes
its dusty odor will copy your every move
her whiskers flex and form to fit your glass of fragility
and the frosted sweetness of your mother opening your eyes
in her dreams
diamonds yield serpentine warnings
whispering to you, take my exit
once you reach the fork in the road
yet I could drive right by
tumbleweed would even dodge my tires
your ears save miraculous ideas
when they begin the fall to the sewer
sounds I cannot approach give way to you
the hands I know so well,
crushing the hibiscus plant on my windowsill
in a heartbeat
13 November 2010
insufferable
one of the worst things is the encountering of someone who is absolutely insufferable. no matter how much you try to console them, they will bounce your help right off of you. despite your legitimate concern and genuine longing for them to get better, they refuse to accept any kind of guidance. and this, i think, is what i'm scared of the most. if not the most, it's definitely near the peak of the list.
i think this feeling is most commonly associated with teenage angst, which is extremely truthful. most of time, teenagers want to solve problems on their own, which never really works out how they'd thought it would. some of them are really so insatiable that this attitude carries out through adulthood, and that's what i'm trying my best to avoid. i never want to be so closed up that i bounce opinions off my steel armor.
if this is all i ever accomplish with my life, then i'll die knowing i tried as hard as i could to attain happiness. even if i never achieve any other goals, i'll know that i'll have had my doors open for newcomers. not slamming opportunities closed is something we all need to work on, but especially budding adults, because whether you choose to shed your light on others or not, your own soul should be well acquainted with it.
i think this feeling is most commonly associated with teenage angst, which is extremely truthful. most of time, teenagers want to solve problems on their own, which never really works out how they'd thought it would. some of them are really so insatiable that this attitude carries out through adulthood, and that's what i'm trying my best to avoid. i never want to be so closed up that i bounce opinions off my steel armor.
if this is all i ever accomplish with my life, then i'll die knowing i tried as hard as i could to attain happiness. even if i never achieve any other goals, i'll know that i'll have had my doors open for newcomers. not slamming opportunities closed is something we all need to work on, but especially budding adults, because whether you choose to shed your light on others or not, your own soul should be well acquainted with it.
06 November 2010
hipster appreciation
this is just going to be a pretty random and jumbled blog because i have a lot on my mind at once. disclaimer.
so i haven't posted in a little while. i have no excuses and don't really feel like any are necessary. but uhmmm. i'm pretty much giving up on nanowrimo. i thought i had a good idea, but it was just ripped off a movie and i don't feel like writing out shit that's not mine or restarting six days in. plus, this weekend has been kinda strange. i haven't written in a while about anything, really. my friend caleb who i met in july randomly texted me yesterday and told me he was beginning his two week trek to move back to california and wanted to spend the night with me. so he did, and he left several hours ago only to break down an hour ago. so he's getting towed to here around midnight. joy joy joy joy staying up late. good thing i love this kid.
so last night we watched the final battle and made fun of the things that went wrong with it while still appreciating the musical as a whole, planned some evil plans, and ate. when i say ate i mean we almost didn't stop shoving food in our mouths, hahaha. it really felt like the burrow. it's really cheesy, mostly because my mom says it every time, but my whole house honestly feels like a different place when we have someone staying over. it just warms it up and makes my mom and i really happy and genuinely kind. not that we aren't like that at heart all the time, but stress makes us forget a lot of the time. and when we have one of my long distance friends come to stay for a day or so, it changes my mom's and my outlook on everything we've come to know as habitual each day.
and this is, i think, is the main reason why i want to move away so badly. the want is so intense that it drives me to tears and makes me feel as if i'm missing out on something so much bigger. i wake up and my muscles are tired from recognizing everything i see. it's not that i'm unappreciative, i'm really glad i grew up in a room i could make my own and have people's faces that i love all over my walls and look up and see my favorite quote from dumbledore dangling over me. it's just that i want this bedroom in a larger scale. i don't want to only be able to be myself in a flourescent ten by six area for the rest of my life.
i just want a whole city where i can call myself myself. from the time i wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night and i laugh or cry or think myself to sleep, i don't want to fluctuate personalities. never again do i wish to spend a summer as a bitter, coldhearted bitch and then soften up in the fall. i want to always be like this. i want to have love pouring out of my fingertips at a second's call.
it's honestly amusing how often i tell people i have no reason to be here. i really don't know how many other people feel this way. i like to assume that there's a fair amount, but then there's a large part of me that is very aware of the fact that several of my friends are really genuinely proud of where they hail from. i always wished i could have pride like that within me, but it's just not come around. i used to be absolutely terrified of moving when i had a best friend. when would i ever see her again? but i haven't seen her in five years, even though i found a note from her from fifth grade in one of my old coat pockets. err..anyway.
it's because when i spend long periods of just texting my friends and not really feeling much, i'm usually in this perpetually morose mood. i'll talk to people and act really happy, act, even if i really do love them. it's just that over the years i've become some kind of person i don't recognize when i'm alone. but when i'm with friends and that smile is real, i realize what i've been missing out on. and that, blogger, is why it's so hard to leave long distance friends. you never know when you're going to be happy again. it could take nothing more than a skype call.
i would literally rather be anywhere. i'd rather be in iowa with mallory, i'd rather be in lebanon with steph and monica, i'd rather be in ann arbor with sarah, i'd rather be in grand rapids with eva, i'd rather be in canada with patrick, i'd rather be in new jersey with cole and anna, i'd rather be in nyc with my ex boyfriend who hates me now, and i'd rather be in virginia with ivy. i'd rather be in new england with tom and bella. i'd rather be in florida with thomas and amber. i'd rather be in baltimore with alex. i'd rather be in california with zach. i'd rather be anywhere but here. how is that even possible?
so my friend jesse just wrote a really sweet blog about me and i'm returning the favor. i think out of any of my friends, i think jesse feels like this the most. he's a lot like me in general, but i get that sense that he wants to escape a lot. and i don't even think it's because the place he's in is genuinely crappy. i think it's mostly because he's experienced so much of the same shit each day and eventually you just want more. and unlike anything we've experienced in the past, i think jesse and i both really feel like we deserve something new, something more now. at least if he doesn't, he should.
what i appreciate the most about jesse is that we can talk about absolutely anything. and also the fact that it was always that way. there wasn't ever a time when i really wanted to tell him something and didn't feel like i could. and i think that's the most important thing about any kind of relationship with any kind of person. if you can't say what you want, the point of the friendship kind of ceases to exist for me.
another really refreshing thing about this boy is that he's just not someone who's in everyone. there's this aspect of humor that we can always link with each other and it brings a smile to my face every time. i'm more than grateful that he hates the same people i do and has the same favorite wizard rock band that i do. he's just always there. and he makes me want to be a better person. he showed me the definition of forgiveness, and that it doesn't always have to make you feel like shit.
i know if we were to drop everything and hang out right now, we'd have the time of our lives. we could have totally unprecedented, unplanned fun and not worry about when we'd have to leave each other. because he's one of those people who once you leave, you don't worry about the steadiness of the friendship. it's always going to be there whether you like it or not.
so thank you, jesse. for teaching me how to love someone unconditionally. for teaching me to say no when i need to say no. for teaching me to stand up for myself, and for giving me an endless supply of laughter that wouldn't be contagious if it weren't for people like you.
and start dating that blonde girl.
also, he's giving up on nanowrimo with me. feels nice to have a buddy to go "fuck that" with.
so i haven't posted in a little while. i have no excuses and don't really feel like any are necessary. but uhmmm. i'm pretty much giving up on nanowrimo. i thought i had a good idea, but it was just ripped off a movie and i don't feel like writing out shit that's not mine or restarting six days in. plus, this weekend has been kinda strange. i haven't written in a while about anything, really. my friend caleb who i met in july randomly texted me yesterday and told me he was beginning his two week trek to move back to california and wanted to spend the night with me. so he did, and he left several hours ago only to break down an hour ago. so he's getting towed to here around midnight. joy joy joy joy staying up late. good thing i love this kid.
so last night we watched the final battle and made fun of the things that went wrong with it while still appreciating the musical as a whole, planned some evil plans, and ate. when i say ate i mean we almost didn't stop shoving food in our mouths, hahaha. it really felt like the burrow. it's really cheesy, mostly because my mom says it every time, but my whole house honestly feels like a different place when we have someone staying over. it just warms it up and makes my mom and i really happy and genuinely kind. not that we aren't like that at heart all the time, but stress makes us forget a lot of the time. and when we have one of my long distance friends come to stay for a day or so, it changes my mom's and my outlook on everything we've come to know as habitual each day.
and this is, i think, is the main reason why i want to move away so badly. the want is so intense that it drives me to tears and makes me feel as if i'm missing out on something so much bigger. i wake up and my muscles are tired from recognizing everything i see. it's not that i'm unappreciative, i'm really glad i grew up in a room i could make my own and have people's faces that i love all over my walls and look up and see my favorite quote from dumbledore dangling over me. it's just that i want this bedroom in a larger scale. i don't want to only be able to be myself in a flourescent ten by six area for the rest of my life.
i just want a whole city where i can call myself myself. from the time i wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night and i laugh or cry or think myself to sleep, i don't want to fluctuate personalities. never again do i wish to spend a summer as a bitter, coldhearted bitch and then soften up in the fall. i want to always be like this. i want to have love pouring out of my fingertips at a second's call.
it's honestly amusing how often i tell people i have no reason to be here. i really don't know how many other people feel this way. i like to assume that there's a fair amount, but then there's a large part of me that is very aware of the fact that several of my friends are really genuinely proud of where they hail from. i always wished i could have pride like that within me, but it's just not come around. i used to be absolutely terrified of moving when i had a best friend. when would i ever see her again? but i haven't seen her in five years, even though i found a note from her from fifth grade in one of my old coat pockets. err..anyway.
it's because when i spend long periods of just texting my friends and not really feeling much, i'm usually in this perpetually morose mood. i'll talk to people and act really happy, act, even if i really do love them. it's just that over the years i've become some kind of person i don't recognize when i'm alone. but when i'm with friends and that smile is real, i realize what i've been missing out on. and that, blogger, is why it's so hard to leave long distance friends. you never know when you're going to be happy again. it could take nothing more than a skype call.
i would literally rather be anywhere. i'd rather be in iowa with mallory, i'd rather be in lebanon with steph and monica, i'd rather be in ann arbor with sarah, i'd rather be in grand rapids with eva, i'd rather be in canada with patrick, i'd rather be in new jersey with cole and anna, i'd rather be in nyc with my ex boyfriend who hates me now, and i'd rather be in virginia with ivy. i'd rather be in new england with tom and bella. i'd rather be in florida with thomas and amber. i'd rather be in baltimore with alex. i'd rather be in california with zach. i'd rather be anywhere but here. how is that even possible?
so my friend jesse just wrote a really sweet blog about me and i'm returning the favor. i think out of any of my friends, i think jesse feels like this the most. he's a lot like me in general, but i get that sense that he wants to escape a lot. and i don't even think it's because the place he's in is genuinely crappy. i think it's mostly because he's experienced so much of the same shit each day and eventually you just want more. and unlike anything we've experienced in the past, i think jesse and i both really feel like we deserve something new, something more now. at least if he doesn't, he should.
what i appreciate the most about jesse is that we can talk about absolutely anything. and also the fact that it was always that way. there wasn't ever a time when i really wanted to tell him something and didn't feel like i could. and i think that's the most important thing about any kind of relationship with any kind of person. if you can't say what you want, the point of the friendship kind of ceases to exist for me.
another really refreshing thing about this boy is that he's just not someone who's in everyone. there's this aspect of humor that we can always link with each other and it brings a smile to my face every time. i'm more than grateful that he hates the same people i do and has the same favorite wizard rock band that i do. he's just always there. and he makes me want to be a better person. he showed me the definition of forgiveness, and that it doesn't always have to make you feel like shit.
i know if we were to drop everything and hang out right now, we'd have the time of our lives. we could have totally unprecedented, unplanned fun and not worry about when we'd have to leave each other. because he's one of those people who once you leave, you don't worry about the steadiness of the friendship. it's always going to be there whether you like it or not.
so thank you, jesse. for teaching me how to love someone unconditionally. for teaching me to say no when i need to say no. for teaching me to stand up for myself, and for giving me an endless supply of laughter that wouldn't be contagious if it weren't for people like you.
and start dating that blonde girl.
also, he's giving up on nanowrimo with me. feels nice to have a buddy to go "fuck that" with.
28 October 2010
To Be Inspiration
So many people want things. And not enough people need them. Some of those wants could very well be needs, and some of those needs wants. People, myself included, get the two mixed up all the time. This is very apparent when you find yourself really starting to admire someone and notice the little things about them such as the arch of their eyebrows or their awkward nervous habits.
How can you separate want from need in this situation? Is want limited to receiving love, or can it be that you really do harbor a desire to give someone your undivided attention and affection? Can this be borderline need, or is there some other specific criteria that allows it to be defined?
When I want to be in a relationship with someone, I find myself focusing more on ways that I could ease the pain in their life and devote myself to them rather than ways I could catch their attention and convince them to adore me. So do I need their affection in return, or am I just wanting to feel it? I could never make up my mind on this, but I think I've just begun to figure it out.
You can't honestly, totally love someone if they're not in the core of you. Not to say that you must do everything for them or revolve your world around one person, but you should feel like you're tied to them in the most pleasant of ways. It shouldn't be a "oh, I'm your wife, let me make you a sandwich," but more of a "I feel like we could really make genuine positive impacts on each other's lives, so let's try this."
Trying to convey this to people when asking them out is nearly impossible, and how can you ever know whose intentions are real and honest? I believe that's one of the reasons why most people seem to automatically jump to the conclusion that long distance relationships are doomed. They're tricky, but they shouldn't seem impossible because of trust issues. Hell, I have too many of those and I'm always throwing myself forward into the unknown.
I am sometimes told that I'm in need of a cool down session and that my friends walk on eggshells around me. Which is amusing because my attitude (which my mom always blames on me being a Leo) certainly does crop up uncontrollably. In a setting with more strangers, I'll hold it in or maybe say some snarly comment, but if I lose my temper around a close friend I'm not holding any anger back. I think this is because I assume that no matter how upset we become with each other, we'll always be there for each other because of the connection we'd already built up.
I wish I didn't have this mindset sometimes, but on the other hand it makes me very proud that I do. If everyone thought this of their friends, there would be lots of arguing and not a lot of making up. At the same time, though, there wouldn't be as much distrust and suspicion between close friends. I guess I got fed up with that and just assumed that if someone can't deal with the fact that I may disagree with them, then they don't deserve my friendship.
I've developed some pretty intense opinions about things in the past couple of years without really attempting to, but I've never really formed a whole one on the want vs. need topic relating to relationships. Honestly, I think it's what you're out there looking for. When you relate the need of love to the need of oxygen, food, and shelter, it's nothing. But when you relate it to every day life, it's absolutely everything. And I live in a world that I learn to overcome day by day, so I'm going to say that it's a legitimate need. Wanting to love someone is not just want. Some people, like those that need to feel love, need just as strongly, if not more, to give their all to one person and make them believe that they are cared for. Because they would be.
If only I could rant like this to someone specific and not Blogspot, I'd be good. ;)
How can you separate want from need in this situation? Is want limited to receiving love, or can it be that you really do harbor a desire to give someone your undivided attention and affection? Can this be borderline need, or is there some other specific criteria that allows it to be defined?
When I want to be in a relationship with someone, I find myself focusing more on ways that I could ease the pain in their life and devote myself to them rather than ways I could catch their attention and convince them to adore me. So do I need their affection in return, or am I just wanting to feel it? I could never make up my mind on this, but I think I've just begun to figure it out.
You can't honestly, totally love someone if they're not in the core of you. Not to say that you must do everything for them or revolve your world around one person, but you should feel like you're tied to them in the most pleasant of ways. It shouldn't be a "oh, I'm your wife, let me make you a sandwich," but more of a "I feel like we could really make genuine positive impacts on each other's lives, so let's try this."
Trying to convey this to people when asking them out is nearly impossible, and how can you ever know whose intentions are real and honest? I believe that's one of the reasons why most people seem to automatically jump to the conclusion that long distance relationships are doomed. They're tricky, but they shouldn't seem impossible because of trust issues. Hell, I have too many of those and I'm always throwing myself forward into the unknown.
I am sometimes told that I'm in need of a cool down session and that my friends walk on eggshells around me. Which is amusing because my attitude (which my mom always blames on me being a Leo) certainly does crop up uncontrollably. In a setting with more strangers, I'll hold it in or maybe say some snarly comment, but if I lose my temper around a close friend I'm not holding any anger back. I think this is because I assume that no matter how upset we become with each other, we'll always be there for each other because of the connection we'd already built up.
I wish I didn't have this mindset sometimes, but on the other hand it makes me very proud that I do. If everyone thought this of their friends, there would be lots of arguing and not a lot of making up. At the same time, though, there wouldn't be as much distrust and suspicion between close friends. I guess I got fed up with that and just assumed that if someone can't deal with the fact that I may disagree with them, then they don't deserve my friendship.
I've developed some pretty intense opinions about things in the past couple of years without really attempting to, but I've never really formed a whole one on the want vs. need topic relating to relationships. Honestly, I think it's what you're out there looking for. When you relate the need of love to the need of oxygen, food, and shelter, it's nothing. But when you relate it to every day life, it's absolutely everything. And I live in a world that I learn to overcome day by day, so I'm going to say that it's a legitimate need. Wanting to love someone is not just want. Some people, like those that need to feel love, need just as strongly, if not more, to give their all to one person and make them believe that they are cared for. Because they would be.
If only I could rant like this to someone specific and not Blogspot, I'd be good. ;)
25 October 2010
long distance relationships
one thing i've noticed throughout my several attempts at these things is that you have to have almost a personal checklist of traits in order for it to work. of course, there's the expected: you must be loyal, dedicated, passionate, trustworthy, honest, and entertaining. with a good internet connection most of the time. most of these things are kind of obvious. also, you should actually really like the person you're dating otherwise it's absolutely pointless. the distance is supposed to build you up, not be there as a cushion.
and also, you have to have strengths that are within both individuals that have little to do with the relationship itself, but end up having effect on it. i feel like if you're a generally awkward person in real life, a long distance relationship is even more difficult than it is for the outgoing person. which is how it is for me. i'm so shy in real life and i really only blossom around my close friends. who are also very far away. so how can i not let fear get in the way when there are so many hours doing the same thing?
i don't know. the whole thing is so confusing. i'm either too obvious or an ice queen and there is no middle ground.
and also, you have to have strengths that are within both individuals that have little to do with the relationship itself, but end up having effect on it. i feel like if you're a generally awkward person in real life, a long distance relationship is even more difficult than it is for the outgoing person. which is how it is for me. i'm so shy in real life and i really only blossom around my close friends. who are also very far away. so how can i not let fear get in the way when there are so many hours doing the same thing?
i don't know. the whole thing is so confusing. i'm either too obvious or an ice queen and there is no middle ground.
24 October 2010
what bothers me.
because clearly, that's what keeping a blog is for. am i right? who cares, that's what mine is for at this point in time so deal or don't read. love you all. this blog has no structure at all. i'm just ranting. next time i'll focus on a more specific topic i'm hoping.
first of all, i just want to take a couple minutes and think about what kind of person i've become over the past couple of years. it is literally so confusing to me that if three different people asked me who i am and what has happened recently, my answers would probably all vary. it's not that i would be lying to any of them, it's just that the way i see it constantly changes. when i say constantly, i mean by the minute sometimes. by the hour, by the week. one thing i'm bitter about one day may be something i wake up the next day and feel terrible about. i'm an extremely indecisive person, and i don't think anyone hates it more than i do.
i thought i came to terms with the fact that i am not perfect a while ago, but evidence would suggest otherwise. for example, i constantly blame myself for things that happen when in fact, it's nowhere near my fault. and i know it isn't. it's just easier to blame yourself sometimes because people will accept it and assume you're truthful about it. at least my friends do, i don't know if yours are any better.
a little over a year ago, i was extremely proud of who i was and who i had become. i was proud of the fact that i never had to cuss anyone out, i was proud of being a huge nerd and having wonderful friends both in the area and across the country. i was extremely happy, and it showed in everything i did. i wrote, painted, danced, drew, listened, learned, spoke, did my hair, wore my clothes, and just lived in an enthusiastic manner. and maybe the thing that is bugging me the most is how i don't know where and when that all disappeared. not all of it, i'm sure. i know most of that is just buried under this disgusting layer of whatever hatred i possess.
i always used to preach to my friends how there was not enough room inside of us for hatred and that we needed to fill our every thought and action with love and respect and kindness. but that is totally unrealistic. people, and society in general, are bred to believe that depression is normal. feeling bad about yourself is the norm. it is rare to come across a human being with a constantly positive attitude shining on the outside. it would be ridiculous and impossible to firmly believe that someone out there is happy all the time, but there are some people out there who really go to all limits to make people believe that they are just so they can shed light on others. and that is the kind of person i admire.
i've always wanted to be the kind of person that someone really, truly likes. and i'm not singling out the romantic aspect of it, although sure, that's sweet and nice. it's just an overwhelming feeling to know that someone actually wants to talk to you. they want to know what you're up to, what you've been up to, what you're planning on being up to, and how you are. anyone who actually gives this much of a shit (which actually isn't that much in most people i know's standards) is really admirable to me. and i admire a couple of my friends very much so, just like this. i just never believe often enough that i could be that person.
i'm beginning to realize that i'm actually really sarcastic and even hurtful to people who i don't believe legitimately want to speak with me. i'm not sure when this started happening, but it was sometime in 2010. which, like i've bitched about before, was a generally bad year. just bad. i'm really crossing my fingers that i will have the guts to do all it takes to forcefully make 2011 a better place. i mean, i have high school graduation to look forward to. huzzah. i guess.
but really, there's no need for me to be like this. i'm spiteful to people, but i'm constantly looking for a way to better myself, and sometimes it just comes out wrong. and one thing i never do is apologize. i told myself to only say sorry when i either really meant it or it was really necessary, or both. but more of the former. there's no point in saying sorry if you don't mean it. you're not doing yourself any good, so just don't.
people just need to relax and chill out. you don't always need to think about what you're saying before you say it, but you should have some general idea of what you mean. if you don't say what you mean, that's a problem. and if you don't know what you mean, that's when you should put the thought process into it.
and can i just offer you some advice, blogger? watch out for cute people. cute people who know they're cute, make sure the whole world knows that they know it, and use it to their advantage may be bad. however, cute people who know they're cute and act like they don't know it are even worse. i don't even have a word to describe them. i've met so many of them that it's overwhelming. it's not just the shy person that thinks they're pretty at times but a mess at others. it's the cynical hoebags who think they can get their way with anyone just because they act humble.
nope. not gonna happen. gtfo, cuties.
and now, resume my pride. unless that's what got me here.
first of all, i just want to take a couple minutes and think about what kind of person i've become over the past couple of years. it is literally so confusing to me that if three different people asked me who i am and what has happened recently, my answers would probably all vary. it's not that i would be lying to any of them, it's just that the way i see it constantly changes. when i say constantly, i mean by the minute sometimes. by the hour, by the week. one thing i'm bitter about one day may be something i wake up the next day and feel terrible about. i'm an extremely indecisive person, and i don't think anyone hates it more than i do.
i thought i came to terms with the fact that i am not perfect a while ago, but evidence would suggest otherwise. for example, i constantly blame myself for things that happen when in fact, it's nowhere near my fault. and i know it isn't. it's just easier to blame yourself sometimes because people will accept it and assume you're truthful about it. at least my friends do, i don't know if yours are any better.
a little over a year ago, i was extremely proud of who i was and who i had become. i was proud of the fact that i never had to cuss anyone out, i was proud of being a huge nerd and having wonderful friends both in the area and across the country. i was extremely happy, and it showed in everything i did. i wrote, painted, danced, drew, listened, learned, spoke, did my hair, wore my clothes, and just lived in an enthusiastic manner. and maybe the thing that is bugging me the most is how i don't know where and when that all disappeared. not all of it, i'm sure. i know most of that is just buried under this disgusting layer of whatever hatred i possess.
i always used to preach to my friends how there was not enough room inside of us for hatred and that we needed to fill our every thought and action with love and respect and kindness. but that is totally unrealistic. people, and society in general, are bred to believe that depression is normal. feeling bad about yourself is the norm. it is rare to come across a human being with a constantly positive attitude shining on the outside. it would be ridiculous and impossible to firmly believe that someone out there is happy all the time, but there are some people out there who really go to all limits to make people believe that they are just so they can shed light on others. and that is the kind of person i admire.
i've always wanted to be the kind of person that someone really, truly likes. and i'm not singling out the romantic aspect of it, although sure, that's sweet and nice. it's just an overwhelming feeling to know that someone actually wants to talk to you. they want to know what you're up to, what you've been up to, what you're planning on being up to, and how you are. anyone who actually gives this much of a shit (which actually isn't that much in most people i know's standards) is really admirable to me. and i admire a couple of my friends very much so, just like this. i just never believe often enough that i could be that person.
i'm beginning to realize that i'm actually really sarcastic and even hurtful to people who i don't believe legitimately want to speak with me. i'm not sure when this started happening, but it was sometime in 2010. which, like i've bitched about before, was a generally bad year. just bad. i'm really crossing my fingers that i will have the guts to do all it takes to forcefully make 2011 a better place. i mean, i have high school graduation to look forward to. huzzah. i guess.
but really, there's no need for me to be like this. i'm spiteful to people, but i'm constantly looking for a way to better myself, and sometimes it just comes out wrong. and one thing i never do is apologize. i told myself to only say sorry when i either really meant it or it was really necessary, or both. but more of the former. there's no point in saying sorry if you don't mean it. you're not doing yourself any good, so just don't.
people just need to relax and chill out. you don't always need to think about what you're saying before you say it, but you should have some general idea of what you mean. if you don't say what you mean, that's a problem. and if you don't know what you mean, that's when you should put the thought process into it.
and can i just offer you some advice, blogger? watch out for cute people. cute people who know they're cute, make sure the whole world knows that they know it, and use it to their advantage may be bad. however, cute people who know they're cute and act like they don't know it are even worse. i don't even have a word to describe them. i've met so many of them that it's overwhelming. it's not just the shy person that thinks they're pretty at times but a mess at others. it's the cynical hoebags who think they can get their way with anyone just because they act humble.
nope. not gonna happen. gtfo, cuties.
and now, resume my pride. unless that's what got me here.
23 October 2010
one very long hallway
this blog is going to be about my friend situation. or, lack thereof. if you actually read this whole thing, i'll blush from head to toe.
let me just start by saying that i was, if such a thing exists, bred to be a best friend. i care without regret, i give up my own worries for a friend, and i will always be there faster than you can say quidditch. however, some people in my life have thrown these qualities aside, maybe with good reason and maybe without.
it all really started when i was in fourth grade. sure, i'd had friends up until that point and we would have sleepovers every other weekend like most girls our age. i even had what was very close to a best friend, if playing barbies and laughing over the cuteness factors of each other's brothers is considered best friendship. and i guess it is when you're little like that. but it wasn't until fourth grade that i found myself with a real and honest best friend, danielle.
danielle and i spent all of our time together. if i was exagerrating at all, that 'all' wouldn't be in italics. i really mean all when i say it. we literally begged the principals of the three schools we passed through together (middle school, junior high, high school) to place us in the same homeroom before the new year started. granted, this never happened, but danielle and i still managed to find time to make our friendship blossom. we'd pretend to take notes in class, even classes we really enjoyed, and actually scribble lengthy notes to each other that we'd exchange in between periods.
just seeing her handwriting address me would make my day, make me smile and be able to survive the school day without seeing her at lunch. she slept over my house every single weekend, and i'm not sure if you could even call them sleepovers. she would literally ride my bus home every friday and stay until sunday night because her mother didn't want her home. it was an escape for her, which was probably why it hurt so much when she told me she'd basically lied about that.
i guess what hit me the hardest was how in our five years of friendship, i grew to really admire danielle. this wasn't the first time i'd crushed on a girl, but it was the most serious i suppose. i literally was like a clueless puppet of a boy while we were friends, and i didn't interpret my feelings to be overly relevant to anything. so when our differences clashed and she told me she needed space, i never did talk to her again. we were freshmen then and now we're seniors and she's in cyber school, and i haven't seen her a day since. i can't believe it's been four years since i always assumed we'd be best friends until the day we hit the manor home, but that's just life i guess.
right after danielle and i ceased to be friends, about a month or two after actually, when we still avoided eye contact at all possible times in the homeroom we were finally and ironically placed together in in ninth grade, i got a friend request on myspace. at the time, myspace was still really popular and i just assumed it was some other girl who found humor in the fact that i adored a book series enough to convince all of my 500 phony social networking friends that weasley was my real last name.
this girl's name was ivy. she and i began posting on each other's comment sections back and forth, talking about harry potter and our lives in general. we then took our conversation to AIM, another internet facet that's also pretty much dead now. from november until the next june, ivy and i waited desperately to be able to meet each other in person. she lives in southwest virginia and me in southwest pennsylvania, approximately seven hours apart. the amount of traits and interests i had in common with ivy verged on absurdity. we could finish each other's sentences and mention almost any miniscule detail of the harry potter series and know exactly what the other spoke of.
we were supposed to meet in march of 2008 but our plans collapsed, leaving us moping in tears for a week after we'd counted down the days for so long in excitement for our long awaited tackle hug. eventually, though, on the last day of my freshman year of high school, my mom drove me the seven hours and i got to meet ivy in the middle of a deserted virginian walmart parking lot at one in the morning.
i lived with that girl until august. we went to our first harry potter convention together, and no words could ever do justice the feeling of missing that place. we were like sisters, joined at the hip, and it was all our mothers could do not to start to believe that they had gained another daughter. eventually, ivy had to go back home and i didn't see her until the october after that. and i still haven't seen her since that october. it's been twenty four months since i've seen her, and obviously we aren't close like we used to be. we can't even really hold a conversation without getting sidetracked and shutting up.
then came several collab channels i was on on youtube, where the members and i were supposed to be friends. right now i'm on http://www.youtube.com/generationofawesome, where i haven't even been a day of their cycle of over 14 members for a month or so. within a couple weeks i felt like the bane of the existence of the channel and all because i fell in crush like. which is a totally stupid reason, but now it seems i'm never allowing myself happiness again because of it. literally, i'm too bitter to accept that anyone else on the channel is happy or good spirited or any of that jazz.
sure, we're all supposed to be friends. but we're not, and there's no way you can make fourteen strangers be best friends over the internet unless they have the will to. which they obviously don't. i'm desperately in need of a best friend, and i was getting close there for a while until shit fell down on me. i don't know what i did to deserve that, but now i can't talk to anyone about anything remotely serious. my friends will literally not respond to me if i'm upset. i could be five seconds away from suicide and they'd close their phones and roll their eyes.
it just seems like i've gone too long without someone close like a best friend. it's like that saying that when one door closes, another opens. and one door closed. so i'm waiting for the other one to open. but i'm walking down this huge ass hallway that never ends because there is no other door. i refuse to settle for loneliness. i am no luna. i need friends to thrive. college, hurry the hell up. and make sure i'm not like this when i attend you.
honestly, i'm not even best friendless right now. i'm just plain old friendless. i used to at least have friends that i could pretend really liked me, but now all i have is a book i've read a million times through and a bunch of DVDs that reduce me to tears. i'm not even cool enough for the sweatpants and pint of ice cream. who am i, anyway? my friend had a lady gaga party the other day. i am one of the world's biggest gaga enthusiasts. why wasn't i invited? because i'm nameless. okay! cool. enough bitching for today.
let me just start by saying that i was, if such a thing exists, bred to be a best friend. i care without regret, i give up my own worries for a friend, and i will always be there faster than you can say quidditch. however, some people in my life have thrown these qualities aside, maybe with good reason and maybe without.
it all really started when i was in fourth grade. sure, i'd had friends up until that point and we would have sleepovers every other weekend like most girls our age. i even had what was very close to a best friend, if playing barbies and laughing over the cuteness factors of each other's brothers is considered best friendship. and i guess it is when you're little like that. but it wasn't until fourth grade that i found myself with a real and honest best friend, danielle.
danielle and i spent all of our time together. if i was exagerrating at all, that 'all' wouldn't be in italics. i really mean all when i say it. we literally begged the principals of the three schools we passed through together (middle school, junior high, high school) to place us in the same homeroom before the new year started. granted, this never happened, but danielle and i still managed to find time to make our friendship blossom. we'd pretend to take notes in class, even classes we really enjoyed, and actually scribble lengthy notes to each other that we'd exchange in between periods.
just seeing her handwriting address me would make my day, make me smile and be able to survive the school day without seeing her at lunch. she slept over my house every single weekend, and i'm not sure if you could even call them sleepovers. she would literally ride my bus home every friday and stay until sunday night because her mother didn't want her home. it was an escape for her, which was probably why it hurt so much when she told me she'd basically lied about that.
i guess what hit me the hardest was how in our five years of friendship, i grew to really admire danielle. this wasn't the first time i'd crushed on a girl, but it was the most serious i suppose. i literally was like a clueless puppet of a boy while we were friends, and i didn't interpret my feelings to be overly relevant to anything. so when our differences clashed and she told me she needed space, i never did talk to her again. we were freshmen then and now we're seniors and she's in cyber school, and i haven't seen her a day since. i can't believe it's been four years since i always assumed we'd be best friends until the day we hit the manor home, but that's just life i guess.
right after danielle and i ceased to be friends, about a month or two after actually, when we still avoided eye contact at all possible times in the homeroom we were finally and ironically placed together in in ninth grade, i got a friend request on myspace. at the time, myspace was still really popular and i just assumed it was some other girl who found humor in the fact that i adored a book series enough to convince all of my 500 phony social networking friends that weasley was my real last name.
this girl's name was ivy. she and i began posting on each other's comment sections back and forth, talking about harry potter and our lives in general. we then took our conversation to AIM, another internet facet that's also pretty much dead now. from november until the next june, ivy and i waited desperately to be able to meet each other in person. she lives in southwest virginia and me in southwest pennsylvania, approximately seven hours apart. the amount of traits and interests i had in common with ivy verged on absurdity. we could finish each other's sentences and mention almost any miniscule detail of the harry potter series and know exactly what the other spoke of.
we were supposed to meet in march of 2008 but our plans collapsed, leaving us moping in tears for a week after we'd counted down the days for so long in excitement for our long awaited tackle hug. eventually, though, on the last day of my freshman year of high school, my mom drove me the seven hours and i got to meet ivy in the middle of a deserted virginian walmart parking lot at one in the morning.
i lived with that girl until august. we went to our first harry potter convention together, and no words could ever do justice the feeling of missing that place. we were like sisters, joined at the hip, and it was all our mothers could do not to start to believe that they had gained another daughter. eventually, ivy had to go back home and i didn't see her until the october after that. and i still haven't seen her since that october. it's been twenty four months since i've seen her, and obviously we aren't close like we used to be. we can't even really hold a conversation without getting sidetracked and shutting up.
then came several collab channels i was on on youtube, where the members and i were supposed to be friends. right now i'm on http://www.youtube.com/generationofawesome, where i haven't even been a day of their cycle of over 14 members for a month or so. within a couple weeks i felt like the bane of the existence of the channel and all because i fell in crush like. which is a totally stupid reason, but now it seems i'm never allowing myself happiness again because of it. literally, i'm too bitter to accept that anyone else on the channel is happy or good spirited or any of that jazz.
sure, we're all supposed to be friends. but we're not, and there's no way you can make fourteen strangers be best friends over the internet unless they have the will to. which they obviously don't. i'm desperately in need of a best friend, and i was getting close there for a while until shit fell down on me. i don't know what i did to deserve that, but now i can't talk to anyone about anything remotely serious. my friends will literally not respond to me if i'm upset. i could be five seconds away from suicide and they'd close their phones and roll their eyes.
it just seems like i've gone too long without someone close like a best friend. it's like that saying that when one door closes, another opens. and one door closed. so i'm waiting for the other one to open. but i'm walking down this huge ass hallway that never ends because there is no other door. i refuse to settle for loneliness. i am no luna. i need friends to thrive. college, hurry the hell up. and make sure i'm not like this when i attend you.
honestly, i'm not even best friendless right now. i'm just plain old friendless. i used to at least have friends that i could pretend really liked me, but now all i have is a book i've read a million times through and a bunch of DVDs that reduce me to tears. i'm not even cool enough for the sweatpants and pint of ice cream. who am i, anyway? my friend had a lady gaga party the other day. i am one of the world's biggest gaga enthusiasts. why wasn't i invited? because i'm nameless. okay! cool. enough bitching for today.
22 October 2010
one less
one less worry, one less regret
one less friend i've never met
two more fears and a thousand more tears
a hundred more miles and no more smiles
the telephone rings off the hook
you water wilted flowers,
ignore the dead dogwood
enchanted gardens fall to negligence,
dug under the dirt of two thousand and eight
until you put the turn signal of happiness on
you say you've got to have the will
but when will is exchanged for won't
will you live up to what you push?
a voice tells me you'll be one less
one less beacon of light,
when so many down the hall have flickered out
but i hope you end up considering the wilted hydrangea
since you never took the time for trees like me
one less friend i've never met
two more fears and a thousand more tears
a hundred more miles and no more smiles
the telephone rings off the hook
you water wilted flowers,
ignore the dead dogwood
enchanted gardens fall to negligence,
dug under the dirt of two thousand and eight
until you put the turn signal of happiness on
you say you've got to have the will
but when will is exchanged for won't
will you live up to what you push?
a voice tells me you'll be one less
one less beacon of light,
when so many down the hall have flickered out
but i hope you end up considering the wilted hydrangea
since you never took the time for trees like me
21 October 2010
because i have the time
and the negativity needs to flow out in some other way than what i had planned.
i hate your boyfriend. i hate how he stole you from me without even trying. i hate not knowing whether he tried or not. i hate the way you're so self centered anymore. you're not yourself. i hate how all you can focus on is who we used to be and not what we could amount to. i hate those stupid metal bands that i paid to hear, worthless. i hate your obsessions. i hate your "real" friends. i hate that you move in with someone i can't stand. i hate that all of my friends are closer with each other than i am to any of them. i hate that no matter how long i talk for it seems that i am making no difference or impression upon my listener. i hate that i need to resort to blogging to get my feelings out because no one else will listen to me. i haet angst. i hate being a teenager. i hate hate. i hate the cheesy nutcracker collection that line the shelves above this computer in my brother's room. i hate the facebook messages. i hate the way my friends get idolized for having talent. i hate the way i'm jealous. i hate how you still hang out with your ex girlfriend and pay me no mind. i hate that you don't realize that i like girls. i hate that i like girls. i hate that i hate that. i hate that i've made myself get over all the girls i've fallen for, without hardly trying. i hate never having found one that changed my mind. i hate having to wait 11 more months for anything to change. i hate the fact that i might not even get accepted. i hate that you'll do long distance for anyone that's not me. i hate that you stole from me, lied to me. i hate that you broke my heart. i hate that i told so many people and assumed they'd care. i hate when i'm in a good mood and gush about it and then regret it later because i knew your lack of enthusiasm stemmed from your anticpation of my next heated rant. i hate being a leo. i hate being feisty. i hate being unappreciate, selfish, uncouth. i hate being shy, outspoken, the underdog. i hate being me and i hate being you, i hate that you try to be me. i hate that you moved on to bigger and better things when that is me. i hate that you won't listen to me when you're all i have left here. i hate that i felt the need to write this. i hate that none of my friends really know me. i hate that my thighs ache with soreness, my heart with longing, my head with the cold, and my fingers from writing. i hate that i'm sitting where you sat.
i hate your boyfriend. i hate how he stole you from me without even trying. i hate not knowing whether he tried or not. i hate the way you're so self centered anymore. you're not yourself. i hate how all you can focus on is who we used to be and not what we could amount to. i hate those stupid metal bands that i paid to hear, worthless. i hate your obsessions. i hate your "real" friends. i hate that you move in with someone i can't stand. i hate that all of my friends are closer with each other than i am to any of them. i hate that no matter how long i talk for it seems that i am making no difference or impression upon my listener. i hate that i need to resort to blogging to get my feelings out because no one else will listen to me. i haet angst. i hate being a teenager. i hate hate. i hate the cheesy nutcracker collection that line the shelves above this computer in my brother's room. i hate the facebook messages. i hate the way my friends get idolized for having talent. i hate the way i'm jealous. i hate how you still hang out with your ex girlfriend and pay me no mind. i hate that you don't realize that i like girls. i hate that i like girls. i hate that i hate that. i hate that i've made myself get over all the girls i've fallen for, without hardly trying. i hate never having found one that changed my mind. i hate having to wait 11 more months for anything to change. i hate the fact that i might not even get accepted. i hate that you'll do long distance for anyone that's not me. i hate that you stole from me, lied to me. i hate that you broke my heart. i hate that i told so many people and assumed they'd care. i hate when i'm in a good mood and gush about it and then regret it later because i knew your lack of enthusiasm stemmed from your anticpation of my next heated rant. i hate being a leo. i hate being feisty. i hate being unappreciate, selfish, uncouth. i hate being shy, outspoken, the underdog. i hate being me and i hate being you, i hate that you try to be me. i hate that you moved on to bigger and better things when that is me. i hate that you won't listen to me when you're all i have left here. i hate that i felt the need to write this. i hate that none of my friends really know me. i hate that my thighs ache with soreness, my heart with longing, my head with the cold, and my fingers from writing. i hate that i'm sitting where you sat.
2010...
...has been pretty crappy. i'm really crossing my fingers in hopes that 2011 will get better. i know i have to do something about it for this to happen; good times just don't voluntarily spring up in fields of daisies, however i'm finding less and less will to do so. it seems every time i reach out to grasp a miracle it's slipped out of my touch. regrettably i have fallen into the mindset of rejection being the only possible outcome. like so many deadbeat office workers, i have succumbed to the societal norm of depression and would rather lie in bed with my thoughts than speak with a happy and healthy human being. it's not just a question of "what's wrong with me?", but "what the hell is wrong with the world?"
i really just despise people. everywhere i turn human beings are constantly relying on themselves and folding under pressure of a society that doesn't look twice upon its prey. if only we had ground and reason to trust more, we would be happier people. i wouldn't have to be jealous of my friends just for being close with each other. no one would have to go out of their way to slight anyone because envy wouldn't exist. more than love, envy makes you do crazy things. great, maybe, but terrible.
it's seemed for a while now that it is not possible for me to voice my opinions without either a) coming off as a huge bitch, b) being ignored by close friends, c) getting into arguments, or d) coming off as a huge bitch. did i already mention that? i'm so sorry. i know people say they hate high school, but i'm terrified of being stuck in this rut during college too. it literally feels like my brain was drowned, wrung out, and hung on the line to dry. except it's not drying. it's a waterlogged room of insanity.
i never know what to say, and sometimes this is the scariest thing in the world. i say more things than others do occasionally, more honest things, but that's because they spill out of my mouth or my keyboard before i have the chance to stop them. i don't mean to tell the truth sometimes, but the atmosphere that my friends have surrounded me with seems like it gives me the chance to be myself. but what happens when that goes on too much, gets carried too far? i didn't even think that was possible. apparently i was missing out on a huge clue. whoopsy.
maybe it's just because i'm stuck where i'm living and i'm not kelly rowland's wife, but really, the world is so much more melancholy than it needs to be. you shouldn't have to be on the internet 24/7 to know that the world is beautiful. there should be an instinct in humans that lets them know that they're free to roam the world where they want to for whatever personal gain they seek. no one is restricted to their country, their city, their home, their school, and especially not their mind.
think outside the box and don't assume anyone's an insufferable bitch for having opinions. you don't always know where they come from, period.
i really just despise people. everywhere i turn human beings are constantly relying on themselves and folding under pressure of a society that doesn't look twice upon its prey. if only we had ground and reason to trust more, we would be happier people. i wouldn't have to be jealous of my friends just for being close with each other. no one would have to go out of their way to slight anyone because envy wouldn't exist. more than love, envy makes you do crazy things. great, maybe, but terrible.
it's seemed for a while now that it is not possible for me to voice my opinions without either a) coming off as a huge bitch, b) being ignored by close friends, c) getting into arguments, or d) coming off as a huge bitch. did i already mention that? i'm so sorry. i know people say they hate high school, but i'm terrified of being stuck in this rut during college too. it literally feels like my brain was drowned, wrung out, and hung on the line to dry. except it's not drying. it's a waterlogged room of insanity.
i never know what to say, and sometimes this is the scariest thing in the world. i say more things than others do occasionally, more honest things, but that's because they spill out of my mouth or my keyboard before i have the chance to stop them. i don't mean to tell the truth sometimes, but the atmosphere that my friends have surrounded me with seems like it gives me the chance to be myself. but what happens when that goes on too much, gets carried too far? i didn't even think that was possible. apparently i was missing out on a huge clue. whoopsy.
maybe it's just because i'm stuck where i'm living and i'm not kelly rowland's wife, but really, the world is so much more melancholy than it needs to be. you shouldn't have to be on the internet 24/7 to know that the world is beautiful. there should be an instinct in humans that lets them know that they're free to roam the world where they want to for whatever personal gain they seek. no one is restricted to their country, their city, their home, their school, and especially not their mind.
think outside the box and don't assume anyone's an insufferable bitch for having opinions. you don't always know where they come from, period.
20 October 2010
Lilacs.
At first I was going to blog about tattoos, and then I was going to blog about self-appreciation, but I settled on something far less important - scents. Literally, how things smell.
But before I begin, I just want to say that my hands are already numb from writing multiple college and scholarship essays today. Actually, I've written more in the past two hours than I have in quite a while. And there's so much more writing to go. For my second top choice in schools there's about three sections of writing due and I swear my brain is going to explode.
Right now I blog as shades of white, blue, and orange color the pixels on my desktop screen, the webcam faced away from everything because I'm terrified of Internet intruders, and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone waiting dog-eared on the soft fleece blanket behind me. From the hallway my eight year old calico purrs like a lawnmower, settling into her favorite spot beneath the avalanche of laundry. Alright, so it's not that big yet, but avalanche seemed like a pretty intense word. I would say it's almost eighty degrees in my room - it's usually a sauna, but it's past the certain time of year where no matter how hot it gets my fleece blanket is always a necessity. So.. why does it feel like Christmas?
A strong scent of peppermint is drifting up the stairwell from the living room. I usually have some idea of what my mother is doing down there by the smells that rise upstairs, but I honestly have no idea what she's up to. It reminds me of the holidays when we just relax and suck on those swirly red-and-white mints and listen to Christmas music from when she was growing up. The plastic box is out right now full of Halloween decorations, but it might as well be full of candy canes and Santa hats instead of bats and grotesque masks.
These illusions are so interesting to me, when a certain smell possesses an almost magnetic force and pulls you right back to where you first breathed it in. Every time you inhale, the memories, no matter how dull they are, become fresh again, surface into the sticky pool of thought that is your brain. There has to be a reason why ever y time I smell a certain cologne I think of an ex, or every time I smell the summer rain I'm reflecting back on the time Alex and I danced in the downpour while our brownies in the oven got soggy.
A few minutes ago I was in my brother's room attempting to scout a new (old) coat since the temperature outside is dropping [and my arms get cold in October air]. I routed through bags and bags of plastic before I realized I was digging through summer things, not winter. Quick to catch on, I know. One bag was full of nothing but bathing suits, and leaning down close the beach from summers past still lingered in the strings that tied it together. Who knows how many years those swimsuits have been in there? It could have been only a few months and it could have been five years, but the scent was overpowering: sand could have been stuffed in that bag for all I knew.
My train of thoughts has been interrupted quite a lot since I started this blog, so I'm going to just start wrapping up before it becomes horrible. I want to remember a time before I had the friends I do now more vividly. I want there to be a smell that pulls me back to not just a certain time of year, not only a certain weather, but a carefree time. And carefree should smell like lilacs. Only more exotic. I've just decided.
But before I begin, I just want to say that my hands are already numb from writing multiple college and scholarship essays today. Actually, I've written more in the past two hours than I have in quite a while. And there's so much more writing to go. For my second top choice in schools there's about three sections of writing due and I swear my brain is going to explode.
Right now I blog as shades of white, blue, and orange color the pixels on my desktop screen, the webcam faced away from everything because I'm terrified of Internet intruders, and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone waiting dog-eared on the soft fleece blanket behind me. From the hallway my eight year old calico purrs like a lawnmower, settling into her favorite spot beneath the avalanche of laundry. Alright, so it's not that big yet, but avalanche seemed like a pretty intense word. I would say it's almost eighty degrees in my room - it's usually a sauna, but it's past the certain time of year where no matter how hot it gets my fleece blanket is always a necessity. So.. why does it feel like Christmas?
A strong scent of peppermint is drifting up the stairwell from the living room. I usually have some idea of what my mother is doing down there by the smells that rise upstairs, but I honestly have no idea what she's up to. It reminds me of the holidays when we just relax and suck on those swirly red-and-white mints and listen to Christmas music from when she was growing up. The plastic box is out right now full of Halloween decorations, but it might as well be full of candy canes and Santa hats instead of bats and grotesque masks.
These illusions are so interesting to me, when a certain smell possesses an almost magnetic force and pulls you right back to where you first breathed it in. Every time you inhale, the memories, no matter how dull they are, become fresh again, surface into the sticky pool of thought that is your brain. There has to be a reason why ever y time I smell a certain cologne I think of an ex, or every time I smell the summer rain I'm reflecting back on the time Alex and I danced in the downpour while our brownies in the oven got soggy.
A few minutes ago I was in my brother's room attempting to scout a new (old) coat since the temperature outside is dropping [and my arms get cold in October air]. I routed through bags and bags of plastic before I realized I was digging through summer things, not winter. Quick to catch on, I know. One bag was full of nothing but bathing suits, and leaning down close the beach from summers past still lingered in the strings that tied it together. Who knows how many years those swimsuits have been in there? It could have been only a few months and it could have been five years, but the scent was overpowering: sand could have been stuffed in that bag for all I knew.
My train of thoughts has been interrupted quite a lot since I started this blog, so I'm going to just start wrapping up before it becomes horrible. I want to remember a time before I had the friends I do now more vividly. I want there to be a smell that pulls me back to not just a certain time of year, not only a certain weather, but a carefree time. And carefree should smell like lilacs. Only more exotic. I've just decided.
19 October 2010
Surprise!
I'm gonna blog a little bit about - you guessed it! - Harry Potter before I get to bed. I started rereading Sorcerer's Stone a couple days ago. I'm only a hundred pages in, and already it's a totally magical experience. It's so fun to pretend like you have no idea what happens, and it would be amazing if that could really be so and we could live through the experience again. However, just waiting years to reread your favorite book puts you in this position where you are forced to read the same exact words differently. It's possible to make different judgements about characters and situations than you did last time because from the last time you picked that book up and dusted it off, you've more than likely been through life experiences that have changed you just in the slightest.
That being said, it's such a beautiful read this time around - all over again, and totally differently. I don't think I've ever laughed so much at a Harry Potter book as I've laughed at this one, whether actually "lol"ing or just chuckling to myself. I'm going to hope that this is some sign that I've lightened up in the past five or six years or so. Yeah, okay, so it's been too long since I've read Sorcerer's Stone. I'm ashamed. However, I used to be the biggest hard ass in junior high and the beginning of high school and I brushed aside most of the humor Jo would put in her books. I did this less toward the end of the series because I suppose I related to the humor more, or maybe there was just less of it. But little things like Hagrid sitting on and breaking the spindly legged chair in Mr. Ollivander's, Uncle Vernon's futile attempts to force Hagrid to leave the hut, the fact that Uncle Vernon actually was stupidly ridiculous enough to take the time to search out the hut in the first place, and just the way Harry back talks his relatives is awesome to me now. Not that I didn't appreciate these things before, but now that I know how the plot will lay out, the little things become more precious to me.
Right now I'm reading the part in which Harry meets Ron for the first time and I'm already super excited for him to get to Hogwarts. I'm trying as hard as I can to see this as a first time reader. People who see me reading Harry Potter (which I haven't really done in a while) may scoff and go "the same thing is going to happen, you know", but if I knew that, I wouldn't reread it. Of course the major plot points are going to be the same, but the actual things that go on are always slightly different. I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Inevitably, there are some things that still make me wonder, some vocabulary I still don't quite feel the incentive to go grab a dictionary to understand, and some questions that still arise while I read. Where do you get a ticket for the Hogwarts Express? There can't be a special number you dial because wizards don't use telephones. Is there a box office or what? Hagrid got it in advance, so I'm assuming it's special delivery of some sort. And what if Uncle Vernon refused to drive Harry to King's Cross? I feel like that would've been a much bigger, at least a more dramatic, step in keeping Harry from attending Hogwarts. Also, WHY does Ron have dirt on his nose? Was he degnoming the garden right before his family left for King's Cross?
Also, the amount of foreshadowing is intensely enjoyable. Hagrid reminds Harry so many times that he'd be mad to rob Gringotts that I wonder how I didn't suspect something all those years ago. Oh yeah, because I was just enjoying the book for the moment and didn't think about the little things that might be important. Wooh. I love rereading. Also, I adore the Gringotts warning inscribed on the silver double doors when you enter for some reason. I'm just gonna copy it here because I feel like it. Enjoy the flashback!
"Enter, stranger, but take heed
Of what awaits the sin of greed,
For those who take, but do not earn,
Must pay most dearly in their turn.
So if you seek beneath our floors
A treasure that was never yours,
Thief, you have been warned, beware
Of finding more than treasure there."
That being said, it's such a beautiful read this time around - all over again, and totally differently. I don't think I've ever laughed so much at a Harry Potter book as I've laughed at this one, whether actually "lol"ing or just chuckling to myself. I'm going to hope that this is some sign that I've lightened up in the past five or six years or so. Yeah, okay, so it's been too long since I've read Sorcerer's Stone. I'm ashamed. However, I used to be the biggest hard ass in junior high and the beginning of high school and I brushed aside most of the humor Jo would put in her books. I did this less toward the end of the series because I suppose I related to the humor more, or maybe there was just less of it. But little things like Hagrid sitting on and breaking the spindly legged chair in Mr. Ollivander's, Uncle Vernon's futile attempts to force Hagrid to leave the hut, the fact that Uncle Vernon actually was stupidly ridiculous enough to take the time to search out the hut in the first place, and just the way Harry back talks his relatives is awesome to me now. Not that I didn't appreciate these things before, but now that I know how the plot will lay out, the little things become more precious to me.
Right now I'm reading the part in which Harry meets Ron for the first time and I'm already super excited for him to get to Hogwarts. I'm trying as hard as I can to see this as a first time reader. People who see me reading Harry Potter (which I haven't really done in a while) may scoff and go "the same thing is going to happen, you know", but if I knew that, I wouldn't reread it. Of course the major plot points are going to be the same, but the actual things that go on are always slightly different. I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Inevitably, there are some things that still make me wonder, some vocabulary I still don't quite feel the incentive to go grab a dictionary to understand, and some questions that still arise while I read. Where do you get a ticket for the Hogwarts Express? There can't be a special number you dial because wizards don't use telephones. Is there a box office or what? Hagrid got it in advance, so I'm assuming it's special delivery of some sort. And what if Uncle Vernon refused to drive Harry to King's Cross? I feel like that would've been a much bigger, at least a more dramatic, step in keeping Harry from attending Hogwarts. Also, WHY does Ron have dirt on his nose? Was he degnoming the garden right before his family left for King's Cross?
Also, the amount of foreshadowing is intensely enjoyable. Hagrid reminds Harry so many times that he'd be mad to rob Gringotts that I wonder how I didn't suspect something all those years ago. Oh yeah, because I was just enjoying the book for the moment and didn't think about the little things that might be important. Wooh. I love rereading. Also, I adore the Gringotts warning inscribed on the silver double doors when you enter for some reason. I'm just gonna copy it here because I feel like it. Enjoy the flashback!
"Enter, stranger, but take heed
Of what awaits the sin of greed,
For those who take, but do not earn,
Must pay most dearly in their turn.
So if you seek beneath our floors
A treasure that was never yours,
Thief, you have been warned, beware
Of finding more than treasure there."
Drifting.
Recently I've come to realize that I'm absolutely terrified of drifting through life and not really living it. Between the college Philosophy class I took two years ago, the English course I took last year, the English and Poetry classes I'm currently enrolled in, and the reading I do day to day, I've done what seems like enough thinking for a lifetime about whether I will be truly fulfilled by what I'm gaining from life. Carpe diem, Mr. Keating says, seize the day and make sure nothing passes you by.
It's so much harder than it sounds, though. How do you go about making sure you don't miss anything out of life when your days are set in schedules that you're expected to follow in order to succeed? KLGJESKGSKLGELSK!
It's so much harder than it sounds, though. How do you go about making sure you don't miss anything out of life when your days are set in schedules that you're expected to follow in order to succeed? KLGJESKGSKLGELSK!
18 October 2010
Urgh.
Sitting in internship class gives me the will to write, although the idea that this torment could be inspiring is laughable. We were told to choose a career path we have interest in and then were supposed to be matched with a “professional location.” When I was filling out my expected list of three possible careers, I wrote “vegan cooking” as number one. My teacher assumed that I wanted to do nothing but cut meat and dairy out of my diet as an adult, and she is one to be insufferable. She actually looks quite like Miss Frizzle. Scary. Anyway, I figured if her mind couldn’t be changed then I might as well take the trip once a week and pretend to intern at my favorite vegan store downtown. I’m totally doing it for the wrong reason, but who knows? Maybe I’ll end up as an organic food expertise and help homeless children become vegan and their lives will forever be changed.
You know what, forget all this. I’m just gonna be the queen of Genovia.
You know what, forget all this. I’m just gonna be the queen of Genovia.
09 October 2010
i knew a girl.
i knew a girl whose eyes were smudged with life; forget charcoal makeup. those eyes were lamps in my darkness, nightlights in the deafening hallway. i knew a girl with a lion's heart, with a brain unlike any i've ever encountered, brought down by no one and nothing, not even what tears apart most girls: other females. falling asleep next to her was better than having a full blanket of fleece on every winter's night worthy of my shivers. not once did she snore, kick me in the night, or complain about my thrashing nightmares. and i loved her like a sister, for mine was taken from me before i realized what was flashing before my eyes. she was eccentric and hot-tempered, young yet wise in the way only the elderly can be, as admonishing as a third grade teacher would be from the perspective of a wee eight year old.
with a bandana around her head and a 20th century cell phone, she stayed up with me for hours guessing what was wrong with me while i was too much of a wuss to confide in her. she made silly suggestions while i hid my watery smile in the blackness of north carolina. "are you scared that lena will wake up in the morning with hair dye all over the couch she doesn't own? clearly you're worried about cole and sunny meeting." i giggled and she held me, i cried and she wiped my tears, i made insufferable, annoying noises and she went and got me the tissue box without asking. she told stories of her father making jokes, of farming and being a fifth year college student. she was packed with amusing anecdotes and calming ways to solve issues no one would dare open the door for. she's the kind of sympathetic person one can easily take for granted, but i knew better than to do any such thing.
i do not write about this girl because i fell for her, i do not reminisce about her because of her strange impact on my life, or because she is an overwhelming symbol of heroism to me. i just need to explain to myself how one person can bring me so much enlightenment and sorrow at once, so much grief and guilt and yet a means of escape. i often used to question if i should cease my relationship with her and never speak another word to this girl. after all, her place of residence was over ten hours and five states away. how difficult could it be? just stop replying to text messages and facebook posts and i'd be good. but it was not going to happen. i had too much respect for this girl to just get over her like i'd gotten over so many before her. i have trashed friendships for good reasons and terrible ones, and without them i am forcing myself to live with no regrets. this is so much harder than it sounds, so much easier said than done, which is easily said about many things that could be done.
so i continued talking to this girl, and i'm very grateful that i made this decision. even if we don't talk every day, and she's very close with people that i very much disapprove of, i still admire her more than anyone. i'm not sure if she knows this, but she's one of the only people i can ask for advice from without worrying about sounding like a total jerk or anything at all negative. even if i handled a situation like a total bitch, she'd still be there holding my hand and telling me it'd be alright. and that she did. she comforted my heart in ways that no one ever cared enough to try.
she was like a mother figure as well as a big sister, walking me out of the harry potter theme park with her arms around me and another crying teenager. she didn't guide us straight from heartache to beauty, but from heartbreak to something of indifference. and after all, feeling nothing is better than wanting to kill everyone in sight.
she let me cry on her shoulder when 2,000 people in that theme park passed up a crying girl outside dervish & banges and rolled their eyes. she mailed a postcard for me that ended up worthless, she knew the consequences of my foolish actions before they happened and didn't bother to warn me. like a good mother would, she let me figure things out on my own no matter how far down it pulled me. she let me fall, crumble, sit on her lap, wrap my arms around her neck. she carried me around on her back, fell onto me in tears in my mother's bed, picked up the phone and called off a relationship as i held her hand. it felt so strange to be in the opposite position, comforting her, running my hands in circles on her back, but the next day you could never have tell that's what happened the night before. i miss her like no one does, like no one claims to, like no one ever will.
there's something about this girl that lets me open up automatically. it's almost a frightening feeling. if she asks me to spill the beans on what's upsetting me, i'll do so even if what's up isn't that bad. i just want her to be a part of my life and it's the weirdest thing. she is protection.
if i ever get the opportunity to live with mallory, i will.
with a bandana around her head and a 20th century cell phone, she stayed up with me for hours guessing what was wrong with me while i was too much of a wuss to confide in her. she made silly suggestions while i hid my watery smile in the blackness of north carolina. "are you scared that lena will wake up in the morning with hair dye all over the couch she doesn't own? clearly you're worried about cole and sunny meeting." i giggled and she held me, i cried and she wiped my tears, i made insufferable, annoying noises and she went and got me the tissue box without asking. she told stories of her father making jokes, of farming and being a fifth year college student. she was packed with amusing anecdotes and calming ways to solve issues no one would dare open the door for. she's the kind of sympathetic person one can easily take for granted, but i knew better than to do any such thing.
i do not write about this girl because i fell for her, i do not reminisce about her because of her strange impact on my life, or because she is an overwhelming symbol of heroism to me. i just need to explain to myself how one person can bring me so much enlightenment and sorrow at once, so much grief and guilt and yet a means of escape. i often used to question if i should cease my relationship with her and never speak another word to this girl. after all, her place of residence was over ten hours and five states away. how difficult could it be? just stop replying to text messages and facebook posts and i'd be good. but it was not going to happen. i had too much respect for this girl to just get over her like i'd gotten over so many before her. i have trashed friendships for good reasons and terrible ones, and without them i am forcing myself to live with no regrets. this is so much harder than it sounds, so much easier said than done, which is easily said about many things that could be done.
so i continued talking to this girl, and i'm very grateful that i made this decision. even if we don't talk every day, and she's very close with people that i very much disapprove of, i still admire her more than anyone. i'm not sure if she knows this, but she's one of the only people i can ask for advice from without worrying about sounding like a total jerk or anything at all negative. even if i handled a situation like a total bitch, she'd still be there holding my hand and telling me it'd be alright. and that she did. she comforted my heart in ways that no one ever cared enough to try.
she was like a mother figure as well as a big sister, walking me out of the harry potter theme park with her arms around me and another crying teenager. she didn't guide us straight from heartache to beauty, but from heartbreak to something of indifference. and after all, feeling nothing is better than wanting to kill everyone in sight.
she let me cry on her shoulder when 2,000 people in that theme park passed up a crying girl outside dervish & banges and rolled their eyes. she mailed a postcard for me that ended up worthless, she knew the consequences of my foolish actions before they happened and didn't bother to warn me. like a good mother would, she let me figure things out on my own no matter how far down it pulled me. she let me fall, crumble, sit on her lap, wrap my arms around her neck. she carried me around on her back, fell onto me in tears in my mother's bed, picked up the phone and called off a relationship as i held her hand. it felt so strange to be in the opposite position, comforting her, running my hands in circles on her back, but the next day you could never have tell that's what happened the night before. i miss her like no one does, like no one claims to, like no one ever will.
there's something about this girl that lets me open up automatically. it's almost a frightening feeling. if she asks me to spill the beans on what's upsetting me, i'll do so even if what's up isn't that bad. i just want her to be a part of my life and it's the weirdest thing. she is protection.
if i ever get the opportunity to live with mallory, i will.
04 October 2010
UGH.
i'm sitting in internship class. you have to pass it to graduate. it's kind of overwhelming. whelp. might as well start complaining!
it's only 9:22 in the morning and it's already been a pretty shitty day.
i woke up at 5:40 am and shoveled a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch and soymilk down my throat, chugged gingerale (ew? weird combination) and took a 3 minute shower. i never take morning showers. this was weird.
then i ran to the bus stop, stood there for about 10 minutes in the freezin' cold with wet hair, and watched my bus come. and then watched my bus pass me. and then listened as the kids who wait at the same bus stop as me but don't attend the same school as me laugh at me. then i walked around the block, down two streets and then back home. then sat on tumblr for an hour and came to school, where i sat in silence for an hour. this would be because my art class is full of douchebags and drew a penis on someone's folder. in paint. and no one will fess up, so we sat in silence and got zeroes until someone does. lol. can college come any sooner? jesus christ.
and now i'm on formspring and someone just asked:
"why are u such an ugly lesbian dike? i'm sick of looking at gaytards likes you."
WOW. I'M NOT SURE HOW TO BEGIN IN RESPONDING TO YOUR WELL THOUGHT OUT QUESTION, ASSHOLE.
and now my internship teacher is trying to tell me that my vegan cooking internship is not possible. even though i gave her a location for me to go. WHAT? what sense does this make? none, i tell you.
i will get through the day if it kills me.
it's only 9:22 in the morning and it's already been a pretty shitty day.
i woke up at 5:40 am and shoveled a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch and soymilk down my throat, chugged gingerale (ew? weird combination) and took a 3 minute shower. i never take morning showers. this was weird.
then i ran to the bus stop, stood there for about 10 minutes in the freezin' cold with wet hair, and watched my bus come. and then watched my bus pass me. and then listened as the kids who wait at the same bus stop as me but don't attend the same school as me laugh at me. then i walked around the block, down two streets and then back home. then sat on tumblr for an hour and came to school, where i sat in silence for an hour. this would be because my art class is full of douchebags and drew a penis on someone's folder. in paint. and no one will fess up, so we sat in silence and got zeroes until someone does. lol. can college come any sooner? jesus christ.
and now i'm on formspring and someone just asked:
"why are u such an ugly lesbian dike? i'm sick of looking at gaytards likes you."
WOW. I'M NOT SURE HOW TO BEGIN IN RESPONDING TO YOUR WELL THOUGHT OUT QUESTION, ASSHOLE.
and now my internship teacher is trying to tell me that my vegan cooking internship is not possible. even though i gave her a location for me to go. WHAT? what sense does this make? none, i tell you.
i will get through the day if it kills me.
15 September 2010
11 September 2010
i want to go on the best roadtrip ever.
a post senior year road trip for me would honestly be better than a senior trip of any sort. i dunno what you think of when you hear the word "roadtrip", but this is what i want on mine:
1.) the best of best friends.
2.) absolutely no drama.
3.) endless laughter.
4.) music, whether we know all the words or not.
5.) a group reading of a book (not including the driver.)
6.) documentation of each state we enter.
7.) absurd rest stops.
8.) a plethora of inside jokes that everyone gets.
9.) driving at night.
10.) unhealthy snacks.
11.) care. free.
12.) candid photos.
13.) air conditioning.
14.) faking finding margo.
15.) gossip about grade school.
16.) latoya.
17.) relating everything to harry potter.
18.) funny road signs.
19.) eating at a restaurant just because of its name.
20.) being able to say we're done with another year of school.
21.) feeling infinite.
22.) peeing in a bottle.
23.) smiles left and right.
24.) minivan.
25.) picking up more people on the way.
26.) ukulele.
27.) imitating each other's laughter.
28.) story time.
29.) holding hands.
30.) seeing the last harry potter movie together.
31.) buffalo sighting.
32.) i spy.
33.) accents changing as we go.
34.) doesn't even matter when we're out of service.
35.) vegan cookies.
36.) sour patch kids.
37.) shoeless.
38.) booty shorts.
39.) choking on food laughing.
40.) freestylin' about scenery.
41.) quote book.
42.) dvd player.
43.) braiding each other's hair.
44.) giggling over the cute waiter.
45.) flipping off the pittsburgh sign.
46.) "girlfriend, you need a hat."
47.) vlogging.
48.) crazy looks when we stop to get gas.
49.) no check ups from crazy parents.
50.) nappy hair from the wind.
the list goes on.
1.) the best of best friends.
2.) absolutely no drama.
3.) endless laughter.
4.) music, whether we know all the words or not.
5.) a group reading of a book (not including the driver.)
6.) documentation of each state we enter.
7.) absurd rest stops.
8.) a plethora of inside jokes that everyone gets.
9.) driving at night.
10.) unhealthy snacks.
11.) care. free.
12.) candid photos.
13.) air conditioning.
14.) faking finding margo.
15.) gossip about grade school.
16.) latoya.
17.) relating everything to harry potter.
18.) funny road signs.
19.) eating at a restaurant just because of its name.
20.) being able to say we're done with another year of school.
21.) feeling infinite.
22.) peeing in a bottle.
23.) smiles left and right.
24.) minivan.
25.) picking up more people on the way.
26.) ukulele.
27.) imitating each other's laughter.
28.) story time.
29.) holding hands.
30.) seeing the last harry potter movie together.
31.) buffalo sighting.
32.) i spy.
33.) accents changing as we go.
34.) doesn't even matter when we're out of service.
35.) vegan cookies.
36.) sour patch kids.
37.) shoeless.
38.) booty shorts.
39.) choking on food laughing.
40.) freestylin' about scenery.
41.) quote book.
42.) dvd player.
43.) braiding each other's hair.
44.) giggling over the cute waiter.
45.) flipping off the pittsburgh sign.
46.) "girlfriend, you need a hat."
47.) vlogging.
48.) crazy looks when we stop to get gas.
49.) no check ups from crazy parents.
50.) nappy hair from the wind.
the list goes on.
09 September 2010
i don't even know
i don't know what hurts the most - the part where i was led on, or the part where i would've preferred being lied to.
the part where i believed it or the part where i needed it.
that i want it to be how it was but i need to start fresh.
that i care too much to let go and hurt too much to hold on.
that i cry too much to be cheerful and laugh too much to be morose.
that i wish too much to move on and accustom myself to rejection too much to be surprised.
that i still want you too much to be friends.
that i still mope when i'm not distracted.
that i'm still never too distracted enough not to mope.
that i still feel worthless and friendless and unloved and i shouldn't.
ever.
i'm too good for this. why can't i believe it even though i know it deep down?
why? because your face just screams 'fuck you' in every way possible. how?
it's just a face.
time to grow up.
but i know that even when i do figure out what really hits the bruise in the right spot, i'll just be more upset.
and i think that's what stings the most, at least.
the part where i believed it or the part where i needed it.
that i want it to be how it was but i need to start fresh.
that i care too much to let go and hurt too much to hold on.
that i cry too much to be cheerful and laugh too much to be morose.
that i wish too much to move on and accustom myself to rejection too much to be surprised.
that i still want you too much to be friends.
that i still mope when i'm not distracted.
that i'm still never too distracted enough not to mope.
that i still feel worthless and friendless and unloved and i shouldn't.
ever.
i'm too good for this. why can't i believe it even though i know it deep down?
why? because your face just screams 'fuck you' in every way possible. how?
it's just a face.
time to grow up.
but i know that even when i do figure out what really hits the bruise in the right spot, i'll just be more upset.
and i think that's what stings the most, at least.
06 September 2010
i blog about reality all the time
it's so hard for me to stop wishing something would happen. like, you know, getting over someone and all that jazz. because i've had my head in the clouds all my life, i'm used to bending the rules of normality to get what i want. and it's just hard to sit back and watch people adapt to 'pure reality' and be stuck with nothing but my dreams to keep me going. and when those are crushed, i'm absolutely clueless on what to do next. i get really depressed, but that's not the worst part. it's the getting better that's hard, because sometimes i'll have moments and segments of days where it seems like everything is getting better. but it's not. it's all a trick, and when it actually does get better, how will i keep my dreams out of the reality i'm trying to pursue? i don't even know if reality is worth any attention i could give. my life.
03 September 2010
where i'm from
I'm just gonna post lots of poems I write in school here, kkz? :)
I am from the frog pond,
from quads I didn't want to ride
and swimming pools I was too embarrassed to get in
(chlorine, cousins
who thought of me
as a city rat)
I am from the bleeding heart plant,
the treehouse in the woods
my brother and sister built
now just a memory.
I am from roadtrips,
from Diane and Tara.
I'm from Alanis Morisette
and James Taylor,
from pirouettes and plies.
I'm from a wardrobe of
fur coats and fawns.
I'm from gingerale,
broken mugs and neglected tea.
From acoustic guitars,
power chords and Vienna sausage.
I am from the eight-sided circle
reading "stop Voldemort"
at the bottom of the hill,
far off in Virginia,
or a castle across the seas
from Silly Strawberry toothpaste
and the Walmart parking lot
all of the magic
stowed away, kept in blogs
and annual conventions
the kind of interaction I was born for
I am from the frog pond,
from quads I didn't want to ride
and swimming pools I was too embarrassed to get in
(chlorine, cousins
who thought of me
as a city rat)
I am from the bleeding heart plant,
the treehouse in the woods
my brother and sister built
now just a memory.
I am from roadtrips,
from Diane and Tara.
I'm from Alanis Morisette
and James Taylor,
from pirouettes and plies.
I'm from a wardrobe of
fur coats and fawns.
I'm from gingerale,
broken mugs and neglected tea.
From acoustic guitars,
power chords and Vienna sausage.
I am from the eight-sided circle
reading "stop Voldemort"
at the bottom of the hill,
far off in Virginia,
or a castle across the seas
from Silly Strawberry toothpaste
and the Walmart parking lot
all of the magic
stowed away, kept in blogs
and annual conventions
the kind of interaction I was born for
31 August 2010
50 ways to convince people you're magic
i wrote this for poetry class. when it's written out on the page it looks a lot cooler, with like 20 of them on one page, but i ain't tryna confuse myself by replicatin' that on blogger. whuddair. my teacher clearly loves me. yeahyeah, i know i'm clever.
1.
offer
a ride
in your
flying car
2.
keep checking
the mailbox
the letter
will come
3.
yell
LUMOS
at the
light switch
4.
sew
an
invisibility
cloak
5.
join
the
quidditch
team
6.
invisible friends:
ron
and
hermione
7.
purchase
a
magic
wand
8.
get
fitted
for
robes
9.
stupefy
the
school
bully
10.
beg dad
to grow
hagrid's
beard
11.
recreate
tom
riddle's
diary
12.
"has
anyone
seen my
horcrux?"
13.
get
adopted
by
molly
14.
make
your
own
spells
15.
pregnant?
name
her
hermione
16.
write a
musical
about
it
17.
claim
you're
a
metamorphmagus
18.
listen
to
wizard
rock
19.
refuse
the
3rd
floor
20.
actually
believe
in
nargles
21.
love
poems
to
gilderoy
22.
security guard?
no,
that's
filch!
23.
only
sleep
in
four posters
24.
request a
government
time
turner
25.
there
has to be
ginger
hair dye
26.
lose
count of
the
rereads
27.
cosplay draco
even if
you're
a girl
28.
no
fighting
just
dueling
29.
"make
love
not
horcruxes"
30.
wand
always
at the
ready
31.
harry potter
posters
count as
wallpaper
32.
study
your
star
sign
33.
you're not
riding a horse,
you're a
centaur
34.
make
your own
radish
earrings
35.
pass out
anti-
umbridge
flyers
36.
palin
and
voldemort
2012
37.
it's not
halloween,
but i'm still
luna
38.
crucio
when
things
get bad
39.
50 ways
to make
voldemort
mad
40.
horn-rimmed
glasses? must
work for
the ministry
41.
you're a
catholic,
i'm a
potterist
42.
mom, i'm
scared for
school
tomorrow.
43.
what if
they put
me in
slytherin?
44.
you're a
quarterback,
i'm a
beater
45.
the whomping
willow has
feelings
too
46.
defacing property?
just letting them
know the
chamber's open
47.
no castle?
not applying
to your
school
48.
in your
next life,
haunt the
bathroom
49.
my child
is a
NEWT
student
50.
toyota?
have you
heard of
the nimbus?
1.
offer
a ride
in your
flying car
2.
keep checking
the mailbox
the letter
will come
3.
yell
LUMOS
at the
light switch
4.
sew
an
invisibility
cloak
5.
join
the
quidditch
team
6.
invisible friends:
ron
and
hermione
7.
purchase
a
magic
wand
8.
get
fitted
for
robes
9.
stupefy
the
school
bully
10.
beg dad
to grow
hagrid's
beard
11.
recreate
tom
riddle's
diary
12.
"has
anyone
seen my
horcrux?"
13.
get
adopted
by
molly
14.
make
your
own
spells
15.
pregnant?
name
her
hermione
16.
write a
musical
about
it
17.
claim
you're
a
metamorphmagus
18.
listen
to
wizard
rock
19.
refuse
the
3rd
floor
20.
actually
believe
in
nargles
21.
love
poems
to
gilderoy
22.
security guard?
no,
that's
filch!
23.
only
sleep
in
four posters
24.
request a
government
time
turner
25.
there
has to be
ginger
hair dye
26.
lose
count of
the
rereads
27.
cosplay draco
even if
you're
a girl
28.
no
fighting
just
dueling
29.
"make
love
not
horcruxes"
30.
wand
always
at the
ready
31.
harry potter
posters
count as
wallpaper
32.
study
your
star
sign
33.
you're not
riding a horse,
you're a
centaur
34.
make
your own
radish
earrings
35.
pass out
anti-
umbridge
flyers
36.
palin
and
voldemort
2012
37.
it's not
halloween,
but i'm still
luna
38.
crucio
when
things
get bad
39.
50 ways
to make
voldemort
mad
40.
horn-rimmed
glasses? must
work for
the ministry
41.
you're a
catholic,
i'm a
potterist
42.
mom, i'm
scared for
school
tomorrow.
43.
what if
they put
me in
slytherin?
44.
you're a
quarterback,
i'm a
beater
45.
the whomping
willow has
feelings
too
46.
defacing property?
just letting them
know the
chamber's open
47.
no castle?
not applying
to your
school
48.
in your
next life,
haunt the
bathroom
49.
my child
is a
NEWT
student
50.
toyota?
have you
heard of
the nimbus?
27 August 2010
heat
heat
shuts my eyelids
rests my head against the car seat
lulls me into a greedy stupor
desire
overcomes me, unwanted
threatens to, unwillingly
convince me, swiftly
if I were in your arms
it would all be okay
if I were your neighbor
it would be just fine
if I were someone else
it wouldn’t be a failure
to need to see the emotion in
eyes I’ve never looked into
to need to feel the love in
arms I’ve never been encased in
to need to breathe the faith of
a scent I’ve never smelled
cold
leaves me empty
drops my ego on the tile
becomes the reality
of knowing that
l
o
w
is where it needs to stay
shuts my eyelids
rests my head against the car seat
lulls me into a greedy stupor
desire
overcomes me, unwanted
threatens to, unwillingly
convince me, swiftly
if I were in your arms
it would all be okay
if I were your neighbor
it would be just fine
if I were someone else
it wouldn’t be a failure
to need to see the emotion in
eyes I’ve never looked into
to need to feel the love in
arms I’ve never been encased in
to need to breathe the faith of
a scent I’ve never smelled
cold
leaves me empty
drops my ego on the tile
becomes the reality
of knowing that
l
o
w
is where it needs to stay
24 August 2010
Natasha Bedingfield is my one true love... with Cate Blanchett as a close second.
Who am I, thinking I can blog two days in a row?
So, I admit that I'm a bit of a shopaholic. Well, okay, a LOT of a shopaholic. I don't even have a job, but when I get one, I know that I'll be like my BFF Bobby and just spend all the pay checks on SHIT. Sorry for my language, but it's the truth. I see something and I want it and I can't say no to myself. This is going to be terrible when I have kids, because I'm going to want to purchase everything for them even if I go into crazy mother debt. That's kind of how my mom is. Guess it runs in the family - woopssss. But the things I buy are cute! It should be okay, right? I guess that's not how the world works. Sniffle.
For some reason, over the past week of sadness I've had (it sucks. a lot) I've been listening to an ungodly amount of Natasha Bedingfield. Right now it's "Pocketful of Sunshine", but "Single" also makes me pretty damn inspired. I wish I was her. She looks like one of those girls who went through high school with admirers and creepers and just said 'screw you' to all of them. Then again, I could be totally wrong. I'm just making judgements here. Guilty habit of mine.
I'm currently brushing my teeth as I type this. It takes skill. Actually, the toothbrush is just sitting in my mouth while I type and suck on spearmint. ...Wow, I'm Hermione Granger.
So today is John Green's and Rupert Grint's birthday, so kudos to you guys for sticking around on this lousy planet for as long as you have! Just kidding, you're not that old. You've got lots of time left to be disappointed. ...I'm joking, right? Right. Also, Mockingjay was released today and I was supposed to go to the midnight party last night but I couldn't hitch myself a ride there. I ordered it a while ago and it still probably won't get here until the weekend. My luck!
Alright, so, if I wasn't nerdy enough already, I decided to increase that aspect of myself by deciding to make lembas bread with my best friend, the aforementioned Bobby, today. And thanks to this lovely website (http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=267358), we've adapted the recipe to my veganism and we have all the ingredients except 8 tablespoons of vegan butter. Anyhow, that's not the point. When I was asking my mom if we had all the necessary items, she took one look at the picture and went "Where are you gonna get a leaf to wrap it in? We don't have a leaf." And I'm like.. no mom, that's just what the Hobbits keep it in. And she's like, "Sorry hon, where are you gonna get a leaf. It's not gonna happen." I can't even tell if she's serious. And the funniest part is that we have too many trees for our own good in the backyard. She makes no sense.
Also, I just checked the mail and my mom got a travel magazine with a full body shot of Cate Blanchett of the cover. I stared for a half hour. She is too beautiful in every way. *cowers under Elvish beauty*
Later, y'all. Let's hope I stick to my blogging spree of inspiration. <3
So, I admit that I'm a bit of a shopaholic. Well, okay, a LOT of a shopaholic. I don't even have a job, but when I get one, I know that I'll be like my BFF Bobby and just spend all the pay checks on SHIT. Sorry for my language, but it's the truth. I see something and I want it and I can't say no to myself. This is going to be terrible when I have kids, because I'm going to want to purchase everything for them even if I go into crazy mother debt. That's kind of how my mom is. Guess it runs in the family - woopssss. But the things I buy are cute! It should be okay, right? I guess that's not how the world works. Sniffle.
For some reason, over the past week of sadness I've had (it sucks. a lot) I've been listening to an ungodly amount of Natasha Bedingfield. Right now it's "Pocketful of Sunshine", but "Single" also makes me pretty damn inspired. I wish I was her. She looks like one of those girls who went through high school with admirers and creepers and just said 'screw you' to all of them. Then again, I could be totally wrong. I'm just making judgements here. Guilty habit of mine.
I'm currently brushing my teeth as I type this. It takes skill. Actually, the toothbrush is just sitting in my mouth while I type and suck on spearmint. ...Wow, I'm Hermione Granger.
So today is John Green's and Rupert Grint's birthday, so kudos to you guys for sticking around on this lousy planet for as long as you have! Just kidding, you're not that old. You've got lots of time left to be disappointed. ...I'm joking, right? Right. Also, Mockingjay was released today and I was supposed to go to the midnight party last night but I couldn't hitch myself a ride there. I ordered it a while ago and it still probably won't get here until the weekend. My luck!
Alright, so, if I wasn't nerdy enough already, I decided to increase that aspect of myself by deciding to make lembas bread with my best friend, the aforementioned Bobby, today. And thanks to this lovely website (http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=267358), we've adapted the recipe to my veganism and we have all the ingredients except 8 tablespoons of vegan butter. Anyhow, that's not the point. When I was asking my mom if we had all the necessary items, she took one look at the picture and went "Where are you gonna get a leaf to wrap it in? We don't have a leaf." And I'm like.. no mom, that's just what the Hobbits keep it in. And she's like, "Sorry hon, where are you gonna get a leaf. It's not gonna happen." I can't even tell if she's serious. And the funniest part is that we have too many trees for our own good in the backyard. She makes no sense.
Also, I just checked the mail and my mom got a travel magazine with a full body shot of Cate Blanchett of the cover. I stared for a half hour. She is too beautiful in every way. *cowers under Elvish beauty*
Later, y'all. Let's hope I stick to my blogging spree of inspiration. <3
23 August 2010
i legitimately...
...haven't blogged since march.
wow, i'mma failure.
Well, let's start with the "since then..." approach.
Since then, I've gone to two Harry Potter conventions - Expeditious and Infinitus. One was much better than the other, but this isn't a blog post for complaining, so I'm keeping that to myself.
Since then, a lot of drama has gone down with my friends. It's mostly been because of dating, which I should've known better than to dabble in inside of the fandom. Silly me.
Since then, I turned seventeen. It doesn't feel any different, and I'm still too lazy to get my license.
Since then, I've had my heart broken. Let's not talk about it.
Since then, I've written better music that's gradually growing more Muggle roots.
Since then, I've fallen for a straight girl.
Since then, I've fallen for a guy who lives 14 hours away.
Since then, I went on tour.
Since then, I've been trying to grow my hair out and getting really annoyed with it.
Since then, I've been trying to be an optimist.
wow, i'mma failure.
Well, let's start with the "since then..." approach.
Since then, I've gone to two Harry Potter conventions - Expeditious and Infinitus. One was much better than the other, but this isn't a blog post for complaining, so I'm keeping that to myself.
Since then, a lot of drama has gone down with my friends. It's mostly been because of dating, which I should've known better than to dabble in inside of the fandom. Silly me.
Since then, I turned seventeen. It doesn't feel any different, and I'm still too lazy to get my license.
Since then, I've had my heart broken. Let's not talk about it.
Since then, I've written better music that's gradually growing more Muggle roots.
Since then, I've fallen for a straight girl.
Since then, I've fallen for a guy who lives 14 hours away.
Since then, I went on tour.
Since then, I've been trying to grow my hair out and getting really annoyed with it.
Since then, I've been trying to be an optimist.
08 March 2010
newsflash, people!
Did you ever have one of those friends who you were embarrassed to be around but too subdued to send them away? Ever meet a new friend and become engaged in a conversation for what seems like a millisecond when that embarrassing person rounds the corner and tries to butt in? If you do, then you know that subsequently the new friend drifts off. It's pretty horrid when you think about it, and a sure way to be a loner through something called high school.
As you know by now, bad friends exist. Unwanted friends exist. Friends who aren't really friends - they're out there too. That's why your argument is completely worthless when you try to side with them. It's obvious from the way you speak of them that you don't like them, so DON'T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE.
"Oh, it's okay that you're a lesbian. I totally have a lesbian friend...!"
At least try to make it convincing. Sheesh.
As you know by now, bad friends exist. Unwanted friends exist. Friends who aren't really friends - they're out there too. That's why your argument is completely worthless when you try to side with them. It's obvious from the way you speak of them that you don't like them, so DON'T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE.
"Oh, it's okay that you're a lesbian. I totally have a lesbian friend...!"
At least try to make it convincing. Sheesh.
21 February 2010
Legit Carolina Hacker Attack.
For some reason when I hit "log in" on blogger this evening, I found myself mysteriously logged in to this blog.
Tianna, consider yourself Legit Carolina hacker attacked.
xoxo,
Sarah, the Legit Carolinian.
Tianna, consider yourself Legit Carolina hacker attacked.
xoxo,
Sarah, the Legit Carolinian.
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